Archive for Writing

The Incredible Shrinking Blogger

Posted in Writing with tags , , , , , on June 21, 2009 by Ms. Ex

Ha! Don’t I wish!

No, folks, I don’t mean my waist line.  That would be great, but I’m actually talking about the blog itself.

See, I have a problem.  I spend way too much time writing and commenting around WordPress, and not nearly enough time on other things. Like say, sleeping. Writing things that might make money some day.  Showering. You get the idea.

Plus Mr. Barely Knit Together is gone for three and a half weeks doing army reserves summer adventure camp annual training, leaving me in charge of a surly teenager, a large dog, and two small, rabid wombats.

So  I’m curious to know how few posts I can get away with per week.  How long before you grow tired of checking? Are we at that point in our relationship where I could take a week to go off by myself to that cabin in the mountains and not have you worry that I’ve found someone else?

And how about my commenting? Will you miss me, fellow bloggers?  Will I eventually be forgotten, replaced by some shameless hussy who steps in to fill my comedic place? (I’m keeping an eye on you, Claire Collins)

This is not to say that I’m even capable of showing any kind of restraint when it comes to…well, to anything really, but mostly to following all my amazing blogger friends and replying to my sarcastic, cynical readers adoring fans.

So what do you think? Can I take a whole week off?  Will my stats suffer? My god I’m obsessed with mice tats.  Uh, I mean my stats.

I would really like to hear from you. What would it take to keep you happy in my absence? Do I need to give away prizes or something? Make big promises of joy and money upon my return? I could just occasionally upload random photos of my exploits.  “Barely Knit Together makes her morning coffee!”  “BKT brusing her teeth!”  “Barely Knit herding cats!”

Maybe this will be good for me.  Maybe I’ll actually start to interact with real people whom I can see in real life and touch and hear and connect with.

Nah.  Forget it.

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Working Wordless Wednesday

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on May 20, 2009 by Ms. Ex

 

The mug, which can be written on in chalk, was my Mother's Day gift.  I requested it.

It’s “I Need Therapy” Thursday

Posted in A Bit on the Dark Side, Mental Stability, Writing with tags , , , , , on May 13, 2009 by Ms. Ex

I’m busy chopping up pieces of paper and trying to assemble something like a coherent story, or a set of notecards, or at least some coasters from it, and in the mean time, I am SUCKING like a suckling pig sucks on an apple, or maybe more like a sucking chest wound.

Between teaching myself HTML (WTF??) and trying to figure out how to make my boobs look 20 again, I’m too distracted to give you anything good.

So I’m giving y’all a break and losing my audience and probably ditching my fabulous career so I can catch up on everything I’ve been ignoring, like washing my hair and folding laundry and organizing my toothpick holder collection.  My little ones are buried in the clothes and I’d really like to see them again before they turn into surly teenagers (and in case you’re wondering, the “little ones” are not the boobs).

This time I swear I’m really doing it.  I can quit posting junk any time!  I’m not a junkie!  Watch me kick, I can do it.  Oohhh, the spiders! They’re crawling under my skin aaaaaaaarrrrghhhhhhh.

Besides, my self-esteem has packed its bags and moved to Alaska to be with Sarah Palin (whose boobs don’t need my help).  I’m thinking being next to her might make me look like a good mother, and since my body will be elsewhere I won’t have to worry about any physical comparisons.

As for my body, it will be hitting the road, too, but in a different direction, maybe to trade school.

I might be better suited for a life of physical labor.

I’m thinking lumberjack.

Me in my minivan, with the stupic puffy hair the haircutting lady gave me, ready for a Fear and Loathing experience. Without the hallucinogenics.  Boo.

Me in my minivan, with the stupid puffy hair the haircutting lady gave me, ready for a Fear and Loathing experience. Without the hallucinogenics. Boo.

So so long, and thanks for all the fish.  And the M&Ms.  And the wampeters, foma and granfalloons.  They were good, too.

I’ll be back next week with my super hero persona back and intact.  If I can find all the necessary pieces.

God Save the Bream

Posted in People Are Idiots, Writing with tags , , on May 4, 2009 by Ms. Ex

Ok, I admit it.  The title has nothing at all to do with this post.  In fact, it has little meaning beyond being a play on the title of a song.  The reference will be understood by only a few privileged folk, and I hope the version of the song that first comes to mind is the result of an album that included such smash hits as “Who Killed Bambi.”

I’m just looking forward to seeing what kind of search results land people here thanks to that particular title.

I once had a dream of writing an entire post with almost nothing but search terms from my statistics.  Until today.

See, WordPress is kind enough to tell me how people find me.  And though I find it disturbing that some search for things about children peeing (I have since made that post private – ew), I’m not terribly surprised.

But today?

While I confess it does reflect a certain nuance of my home, it’s really only partially accurate about any of us.  A few of us, while sharing part of the description, are mature enough most of the time to not entirely belong under that search term.

What is it?

It’s “diapered mental patients.”

Twelve Steps Away From My Desk

Posted in Writing with tags , , , , , on May 1, 2009 by Ms. Ex

“My name is Jennifer, and I’m addicted to comment threads.”

“Hi, Jennifer.”

It started innocently enough.

Or not.

Look, I’m a black hole of need, okay?  If some brilliant person wants to throw down the gauntlet and have a little back and forth wordplay, I’m all over it.  I live to be clever.  I need the affirmation that my brain has not, as I previously suspected, turned to mush.

I hit a comment thread and I just can’t let go.

I have even been known to dream about commenting.

I’m sick, I tell you.

I’m walking my dog, pushing the stroller, and all I can think is, “What would the saucy tomato bunny from that comic pulp fiction thread say next?”

I spend 10 minutes or more editing a comment.  If I’m away from the computer for a while, I get edgy and irritable.  My skin itches.  This is a cry for help, people.  I need a serious interventi

um hey. this is barelyknittedtogs or whatever she calls herself daughter. i’m sick of like sitting here waiting 4 her to finish ths whatever thing n i don wnt to sit around herr all freakin day so just like go do somethin else for a while and giv me back my moms for chrissakes.  all this comment anxiety shit is harshing my mellow.

❤ (thats a kiss and rite now it means buh-bye 4 all u old foks who don’t know)

Piecemeal: The Tortoise Wins Again

Posted in Writing with tags , , on April 28, 2009 by Ms. Ex

I’m in the process of printing out all the posts on this blog so I can look at them as a whole.  Essentially, I’m copying and pasting everything into one gigantic Word document.  And I’ll be damned if I don’t have a book’s worth of words.

I have spent nearly my whole life dreaming of one day being a published author.  But every time I’ve come up with some idea, I’ve looked at it as a whole and the thing was so intimidating I couldn’t even start.

But I’ve made myself sit here and type almost every day for months now, until my legs fall asleep and my ass hurts, and the more I write, the more I have to say.

I never believed all those people who say you just have to write sometimes whether you feel like it or not.

Until now.

Not everything that shows up here is a gem.  I know when I’ve written a dud, but if it’s polished enough, I’ll let it stand if it means I’ve met my personal deadline.  It’s an exercise in discipline for a person who is an expert procrastinator.

Like right now, I don’t know where to go with this.  But that’s okay.  I’ve given you another glimpse, another piece of amazing from me, whom I’ve never thought was all that amazing.

But maybe, just the tiniest bit, I kinda am.

Block Head

Posted in Mental Stability, Motherhood, Writing with tags , , , on February 24, 2009 by Ms. Ex

I’m blocked.  Completely.  I cannot finds the words to complete a sentence.  Okay, well – maybe that’s an exaggeration.

I want to say the problem is Beckett the terrible the toddler who will not tolerate me being out of his presence and who is right now screaming because I had the audacity to leave the room he is in.

Or maybe it’s the fact that I took away TV watching from Ethan because he pitched a remote at the screen and shattered it (I must say, Amy Sedaris kicked butt on The Closer despite the fact that I could not see the right half of the picture).

But maybe the problem is just me.

My proposed topic for yesterday was “why we need barriers to personal communication” or something like that.  It was suggested to me by someone who sees that I prefer to have those barriers.  And I notice that most people do like the artifice of online communication and social networking.  They allow themselves to be both more open, and yet more deceitful.  If the receiver can’t hear the nuances of speech, there is a whole world of meaning lost.   And since we don’t have to face most people in a real way after we blog about our poor mental health, we don’t always have to address our issues, either.

I have tried to explain this to my daughter, who wonders why she and her boyfriend keep having difficulties communicating – via TEXT MESSAGING!

“Where is she going with this?” you might ask.  A fine question.

Once I can get my point across with no confusion, I’ll be sure to fill you in.