Archive for the Embarrassing Moments Category

Lord of the Worms

Posted in bad housekeeping, Embarrassing Moments with tags , , , , , on July 12, 2009 by Ms. Ex

I love to garden. I mean, I love to grow things, I don’t actually enjoy all the hard work. I might be the world’s laziest gardener. But I don’t mind getting dirty, and I adore looking at the little blossoms, watching everything turn all lush and delicious.

And I do like being environmentally responsible and so I recycle and compost. Once, I even bought some worms to have a worm bin.

The worm is a marvelous creature. It eats what is essentially garbage, and shits out this gorgeous, rich stuff that makes plants go wild. It’s like the Spanish Fly of gardening. Worm castings, it’s called.

So anyway, I ordered a shipment of these worms that you can put in a bin, toss in some damp newspapers, and put your food scraps in. Said worms will eat the whole smorgasbord of stuff and you’ll be left with the castings to toss on your garden. Fabulous.

However, I am not a good planner. I have little to no foresight, and rarely look at my calendar. Which doesn’t matter too much, since I also rarely write things in it.

So I ordered the worms – living, wriggling little creatures – and promptly went out of town for several days.

My neighbor offered to bring in my mail, which was wonderfully kind of her. I came home to find a neat stack of mail and one small package. Oddly, there were also small, dark brown squiggles all over my floor, which, on closer inspection, proved to be the bodies of dozens of dehydrated worms.

They made a break for it, and paid the ultimate price for their freedom.

Now, more than a year later, I still occasionally find a little brown squiggle stuck to my floor in some remote corner. I’m amazed at how far some of them made it. I had no idea worms could be so determined, especially since when your shit is worth its weight in gold, you are likely to have lived something of a privileged life.

So that’s my worm story, and the reason you should never send me a living creature in the mail. Just in case you were considering it, I mean.

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Barely Knit’s Innards

Posted in Embarrassing Moments with tags , , , on July 7, 2009 by Ms. Ex

Well, not my innards, exactly, but those of my purse, are featured over at Sweats Model’s blog.

Warning. Some of my fans have dirty little minds and are wreaking all sorts of havoc in the comment thread.

There, that’s my disclaimer. Now go, enjoy yourselves.

Why Nothing Gets Done

Posted in bad housekeeping, Embarrassing Moments with tags , , , , on June 15, 2009 by Ms. Ex

I’m sure my wonderful husband always wonders why the house never looks any better when he gets home from work than it did when he left it. It often looks worse, but never better.

So I decided to keep track today of what goes down.

0700 Baby B climbs into my bed and cries mommy mommy mommy while still sleeping.  Four year old, who’s already in the bed, moves over. Toward us, so there’s less room. Then puts his feet on my head.

0730 Baby wakes up for real and starts clawing at my shirt looking for the goods. I politely refuse to give it up.

0800 B is nursing (I caved – so sue me!) while I catch up on my blog reading and tweets. Hey, hubby – I’m not perfect, you know.

0830 Breakfast for baby. Reheat coffee.

0830 Washing dishes from yesterday.  While filling dishpan (no, I do not have a dishwasher), B drops cup full of chocolate milk.  Half of it spills out, but I save the other half and clean up floor.

0845 Half way through dishes and B drops the cup again, losing the rest of the chocolate milk. Decide today will be a floor clean up day. Reheat coffee.

0850 Throw B in the shower to wash off the chocolate milk. Wait a minute – Ethan was up already and decided to get in the shower with B. How did that happen? I’m confused.

0900 Get back to dishes.  Interrupt dishwashing with a quick Facebook break and to share my doula website.  Need fans!

0915 Decide to make corn pudding for hubby because he loves it so. Turn oven on 400 degrees to preheat.

0930 Four year old Ethan wakes up, I make him breakfast then join him for snuggles in bed with Beckett. Also read David Sedaris on the Kindle.

1000 Throw in a load of laundry, then back to the kitchen. Clean the kitchen, eat my own breakfast of leftover steak and pasta salad. Hmmm…that could explain a lot. Get naked baby Beckett dressed and Ethan too so he will be ready when the “guys” (next door kids) come out. Spend ten minuted sock hunting. Similar to snipe hunting.

1020 Collect dirty clothes from all over the place.  Are the dishes finished? Wash a few more dishes, am tempted to interrupt dishwashing to tweet about the wonderful Neal Boortz (@TalkMaster) whom I’m listening to on WLNI. Ok, yeah. Dishes are done.

1100 Man it’s hot in here. Why is the oven on? Oh – corn pudding!  I crack eggs, start the process, then do…what?

1200 Wait a minute! How did it become 1200?? All I was doing was keeping the Bakugans out of the hands of Ethan’s evil archnemesis Beckett, and making sure Beckett only played with the non-metal cards.  And I did tweet a couple of times, I’m sure.  My god, it’s so freaking hot in here!  Damn – the corn pudding!

1210 Is that someone knocking at the door?  Whose van is that outside?  Oh! It’s my friend Teri with her daughters who are here to help me out today!  Wow! I completely forgot.

1215 Put the dog on the back porch and go out to greet my friend in my pajamas and slippers. Like, with no bra. In public and shit. She has no pride, people!

1230 Leave baby crying (?! he never cries about me leaving) and go upstairs to finally finish the corn pudding and my lord is it ever hot in here.

1300 Corn pudding in oven, blog written, help has arrived and now I’m going to take a nap.

Um, I mean – fold laundry! I’m going to fold laundry!

Sheesh. You act like I never do anything.

Therapy Thursday (A Little Early): Parade Your Shame

Posted in Embarrassing Moments, People Are Idiots with tags , , , on May 20, 2009 by Ms. Ex

I have been picked on by some “people” lately about some songs I posted that may or may not be devoid of musical value.

I gotta say, I’m not terribly impressed by someone who feels the need to point out the weaknesses in someone else’s tastes.  Intimidated, perhaps, but not impressed.

It’s like saying you love the movie Eraserhead.  Yes, everyone knows David Lynch is a genius but that thing is the most unwatchable movie ever made.  I could only sit through it twice.

So instead of lying and telling you I only ever listened to The Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, and The Beatles in the 80’s and Weezer, Green Day, and the Pixies in the 90’s, I’m going to air my shame and tell you some of the songs that I love that are completely void of any talent or otherwise redeeming quality.  I just like ’em, dammit.

1.  Buck Cherry “Crazy Bitch”  (For all my sweet, innocent, mommy type readers – this is a NOT nice song.  Consider yourself warned.)

2.  L.L. Cool J “Jingling Baby” (Ok, actually I like the entire album.  So sue me.)

3.  Public Enemy “One Million Bottle Bags” (maybe I don’t need to defend this one)

4.  Anything by Prince (This technically doesn’t count since he’s a musical genius.)

5.  The Offspring “Self Esteem” 

6.  Beastie Boys “Girls” (I think I might be painting myself as a misogynist, here.)

7. That song from the end of “Breakfast Club” – you know the one. “Hey, hey hey hey.”  It’s Simple Minds “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” and I guess it’s all about timing.

Now for the true embarrassments:

8.  Kenny Rogers “Ruby Don’t Take Your Love to Town”

9.  Hank Williams, Jr. “Family Tradition”

10. Abba “Dancing Queen”

11. Mighty Mighty Bosstones “The Impression That I Get”

12.  Psychedelic Furs “Pretty In Pink”

13.  Hootie and the Blowfish “I Only Wanna Be With You” (I know – this is the worst one)

14. Cyndi Lauper “Time After Time” (again, the timing)

15.  The whole album by the Clash “Combat Rock”  (It was the first record album I asked for and owned.  Even before I got my James Taylor album.  No, I’m not kidding.  I told you I have problems.)

But I’m trying not to care what anyone thinks.  I like these songs and I should be secure enough to shout it from the rooftops.

Now it’s your turn.  Tell me the song you love that you would be embarrassed to admit is in your iTunes (that’s where I found my list).

Don’t be shy.  Got some Liberacci?  Some Andrea Bocelli?  How about a little polka music?  My grandfather’s favorite tune was the Fat Lady Polka.  They played it at his 50th anniversary party.

Top it.  I triple dog dare you.

Elimination Communication Breakdown

Posted in Embarrassing Moments, Going Green, Homemaking Made Easy, Motherhood with tags , , , , on May 18, 2009 by Ms. Ex

Made by Mommy.  The "Flaming Wreckage" diaper.

Made by Mommy. The "Flaming Wreckage" diaper.

I love cloth diapers.

I know.  What a ridiculous thing to love, right?  But if you ask any mama who does it nowadays, she’ll probably tell you the same thing. 

Not only are they easy to use (no, really – they are), but they are ridiculously cute!  Crazy cute.  And who can resist an already adorable tushie that is covered with soft goodness in your favorite colors?  Makes the Charmin look unappealing at best.

Yes, the cult of the cloth is firmly entrenched in even the mildest of crunchy families.  But a new cult is forming.

It’s called “Elimination Communication,” or EC for short.

Basically, it means that you pay attention to your baby’s signals and learn when they need to eliminate, then you take them to the potty and let the potty begin.  There are also cues you develop to let baby know it’s okay to shake the dew from her lily or let loose the bowels of hell.

I’m all for being close to your babies, listening to them and trying to understand what they need.  I think it’s absolutely necessary in fact.

But maybe there are just too many distractions in modern life for this to be really workable for me.

I ask my friends who do this if there are accidents, and the answer is always, “Sometimes,” but she will sort of look at the floor, or her eyes will suddenly start darting around as if the woman is contemplating chewing her arm off to get away. 

Because she doesn’t want you to know the truth.

In my house, within seconds of taking off the diaper, there is poop on my floor, or I get urinated on, and not in a good way.*  I just figure some airing out does a body good now and again, but dammit, every time I let him go commando I have a mess to clean up.

There.  If I can admit it, anyone can.  Except I guess not everyone has that whole  “lack of shame” thing going on like I do.  So unless I can get some serious help up in here and have time to do absolutely nothing but stare into my baby’s eyes all day…well.  I know not what others may choose but, as for me, give me diapers…

or give me a maid.

 

 

*I’m kidding! About there being a good way to be peed on, I mean.  Like I really had to tell you. 


Flouncing Friday

Posted in A Bit on the Dark Side, Embarrassing Moments, Naughty with tags , , , , , on April 24, 2009 by Ms. Ex

What?  What’s that you’re saying?

It’s FIBER Friday?

Huh.

Anyhoo, all you moms out there know about multitasking, right?  I mean, we think nothing of brushing our teeth while sitting on the toilet and paying bills,  or breastfeeding and typing (otherwise, the acronym “nak” wouldn’t exist).

We wash dishes and help with homework while we cook supper and listen to NPR’s All Things Considered.  Or Pantera.  Either way.

But how do you factor in exercising with something else?

My coworker Julie has a plan.  She bought this DVD to use as a work out.

It looks like fun.  And if I can look like that again (I can’t believe I ever did), it would totally be worth looking like a whore fool to anyone glancing in my HUGE front window.  Hell, maybe I’ll sell tickets.

As for the multitasking, Julie figures even if she doesn’t lose weight, at least she’ll know how to give a decent lap dance.

Shameless Maneuvering: Win Me a Trip to What Not to Wear

Posted in Embarrassing Moments with tags , , , , on April 2, 2009 by Ms. Ex

I share with you all what a disaster my life is, right?  Here’s your chance to help me improve one tiny, totally unnecessary aspect of it.  Vote for me to win a trip to New York City with Stacy from What Not to Wear.  I could win a $500 clothing makeover, which I desperately need, but is really beside the point, since I actually just want to escape from my sad little town for a couple of days and be ALL ALONE.  Except for the whole TV camera thing, but who’s counting?*

I promise pictures, entertaining blogs, maybe some advice from Stacy.  Whatever you want.

See, I am not above promoting myself to get cool stuff.  Is anyone, really?

Probably not.  But at least most people have the sense to be ashamed of themselves.

*I don’t actually know if this thing will be on TV.  But it makes it sound more exciting, and possibly even more agoraphobia-inducing than New York.