Lord of the Worms

I love to garden. I mean, I love to grow things, I don’t actually enjoy all the hard work. I might be the world’s laziest gardener. But I don’t mind getting dirty, and I adore looking at the little blossoms, watching everything turn all lush and delicious.

And I do like being environmentally responsible and so I recycle and compost. Once, I even bought some worms to have a worm bin.

The worm is a marvelous creature. It eats what is essentially garbage, and shits out this gorgeous, rich stuff that makes plants go wild. It’s like the Spanish Fly of gardening. Worm castings, it’s called.

So anyway, I ordered a shipment of these worms that you can put in a bin, toss in some damp newspapers, and put your food scraps in. Said worms will eat the whole smorgasbord of stuff and you’ll be left with the castings to toss on your garden. Fabulous.

However, I am not a good planner. I have little to no foresight, and rarely look at my calendar. Which doesn’t matter too much, since I also rarely write things in it.

So I ordered the worms – living, wriggling little creatures – and promptly went out of town for several days.

My neighbor offered to bring in my mail, which was wonderfully kind of her. I came home to find a neat stack of mail and one small package. Oddly, there were also small, dark brown squiggles all over my floor, which, on closer inspection, proved to be the bodies of dozens of dehydrated worms.

They made a break for it, and paid the ultimate price for their freedom.

Now, more than a year later, I still occasionally find a little brown squiggle stuck to my floor in some remote corner. I’m amazed at how far some of them made it. I had no idea worms could be so determined, especially since when your shit is worth its weight in gold, you are likely to have lived something of a privileged life.

So that’s my worm story, and the reason you should never send me a living creature in the mail. Just in case you were considering it, I mean.


24 Responses to “Lord of the Worms”

  1. May I send my boss over? Let me know when you get out of town…

    • Hahaha! Beautiful response, Ivan. Absolutely, send him over. If he doesn’t starve to death I’m sure my oldest son will drive him to drink himself to death. I’ll provide the hemlock whiskey.

  2. And I was going to send you some sea kittens.

    • I admit I had to look up sea kittens. Now I have to thank you for my first laugh of the day.

      I love animals. I have some. I am one. Sea kittens??? Give me a fucking break, PETA. Yeah, sport fishing is lousy, I guess. I am on board with that. I think we should eat what we maim/kill. But taking advantage of humans’ inferior intelligence with a campaign like that…well, it’s just wrong.

  3. Heather Says:

    Uh. I’m glad you posted this AFTER I came to your house. Otherwise i probably wouldn’t have come.

  4. Heather Says:

    What on earth is that little mad dude next to my name!?!?!?

    • He’s your monster avatar. We all have one. He pops up when you go out of town for too long and your friend wants to have you over to her awesomely clean (well, much improved, anyway) house. See you soon! 😉

  5. LOSTL! I love worms. I love all creatures great and small! even spiders!

    I once knew a guy that ate a worm. IT WAS SO DISGUSTING!

    i dont know why you’d want to eat something that, like you said, poops out gold for plants!

    I hope you had a great weekend, BKT!


    • Hello, Bob! So nice to see you, as always. I did have a nice weekend, actually. I’ll probably write about it soon. I knew a guy who swallowed a fish from a decorative bowl on his company Christmas party table. That sounds like that children’s rhyme, “There was an old lady who swallowed a fly”…that reminds me of the gnats we have here. They’re awful! What were we talking about? Oh yeah. I wish worms ate gnats.

      • Eww! A live fish? was it wriggly and squirming?

        I dont know what a gnat is, but if its an animal, im sure ill love it anyway!

        Dont forget, you’re great!


        • Yes, it was a live fish. He was my date. The guy who swallowed the fish, not the fish himself. Or herself. I have so much trouble telling girl and boy fish apart, don’t you? And when I ask they are always kidding around, pretending to be something they are not.

          “I’m a boy fish.”

          “No he’s not! He’s a girl! I’m a boy! I mean, she’s a girl! And that one over there is just confused.”

          *sigh* Fish and their gender issues.

  6. So how is the Golden Retriever puppy I sent you last month, I can’t wait to see pics of him!
    When I moved to Spain, I was going to be growing all my own zucchini, peppers, tomatoes, eggplant, etc. I didn’t realize where we were to stay only had a terrace. I still tried, but then we saved a cat. The cat did not save the sprouting veggies.

    • I’ll send you some zucchini, peppers, tomatoes, eggplant, watermelon, mung beans, and sweet peas. We have a large dog, but he is finally leaving the garden alone, and oddly enough, we don’t seem to have a deer or rabbit problem. But you can do some pretty good gardening on a terrace, provided nothing eats the sprouts.

      If you really sent me a golden retriever puppy, I’m sorry to inform you that he is not among us anymore. But if you send me another one now, I promise to hold him and squeeze him and call him George.

  7. Heather Says:

    Well I will be home on Thursday. 🙂 Oh and by the way, there is a birthday party for Lindsey at my house on Saturday. 5-7pm. Please come if you can. I was a loser and never sent out the invites and have just been emailing everyone.

  8. Worms…yum….

  9. Summer Embee Says:

    I just came across your blog and I am really enjoying it. It turns out we have similar skill at keeping things alive/planning to keep things alive, and my most recent blog post was also about gardening (or lack thereof). Anyway, great work. I plan to come back frequently.

  10. Sorry I’m late. It was a long day in therapy. I have a patient who is… Well, sorry, that’s confidential.

    Great story. Reminds me of the time I bought my father 300 ladybugs for his garden. Hah! I told him what they were and explained they had to be opened in the garden. And when no one was around, he couldn’t resist and opened them up. They started flying all round all over my house — I saw him do it all from the other room. And so, he’s releases like, I dunno 200 of them into my living room and then he looked around to make sure no one had seen him and walked away. The only thing missing was the innocent whistling.

    • Oh my gosh, hilarious! And what a great gift a box of lady bugs was! I wish we had more of them here, in fact, I wish we even had some in the house to eat the worms. Lady bugs eat worms, right? Hello? Hello?

      P.S. I hope your therapy is going well. But I thought you were a professional pen collector and that it was you who was in therapy. In either case, the other party must be one tough cookie to have to put up with you.

  11. I had a friend who started a worm farm to raise bait and make fertilizer. Figured it wouldn’t be that much work. She sold it a year later.

  12. I did not know you could order worms through the mail. Of course, I’ve never thought about it either. I’m just picturing the poor little guys and their last moments…

    (It is mesmerizing to type with the white on the black. Wow.)


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