Will Work For Just Long Enough to Demonstrate My Ineptness

I have had many, many jobs.

I have been a gas station attendant, a dish washer, a car washer, a book store clerk, an art store clerk, an environmental department cubicle dweller, an analytical lab tech chemist type person, a butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker. But the last three I don’t get paid for, since they’re part of my wifely duties.

The thing is, I keep convincing people they should hire me, and these people continue paying me to work for them even after I demonstrate my total lack of common sense or normalcy.

I’m pretty sure if my husband wasn’t financially too invested in me he would upgrade, but I don’t know where else he’d find someone with such diverse experience.

Not only can I pump gas and wash dishes, but I can formulate scathing tongue lashings for the customer service reps that have screwed up our accounts, all while I’m on hold and playing Memory with the kids.  I can analyze our drinking water for lead and also sew buttons back onto pants. I can write copy so hilarious and captivating that it sells a cheap, fake engagement ring on ebay.  I can create truck routing schedules for hazardous waste pick-ups, a task that may seem irrelevant for a mother but believe me…it is not.  I can count minuscule dead minnows in the bottom of a beaker. I can breed actual sea monkeys successfully, and then feed them to the minnows that did not die.  I can fix Gas Cromatograph Mass Spectrometers that cost more than $100,000 each.

But now, my jobs seem so mundane. Wash dishes. Do laundry. Make appointments. Cook supper.

Where’s the glamor?  The money, the glitz? I was destined for greatness, and now I’m…what?

Now I’m a model. A famous woman who is clamored over and stalked and hears my name shouted from everywhere, over and over and over:

“Mommy? Mommy? Mommeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!”


35 Responses to “Will Work For Just Long Enough to Demonstrate My Ineptness”

  1. Bet if you wrote your current job description and all it entails, you’d be impressed. I am – with the combinaiton of your creativity and dedication to your family.

    Count your blessings that you never delivered singing telegrams, wearing a red bellcap’s jacket, carrying a mechanical cymbal-clapping monkey. Yea.

  2. All this makes you more interesting. I have had my share of goofy jobs, but have had three whole careers…four years as a photographer/graphic artist; five years in the construction management field; and 12 years as a biologist.

    • I’m impressed with your stick-to-it-iveness, FJ. And fascinated by your career choices. A scientist who’s done construction and been an artist? Very hot.

      [Dear husband,
      You are very hot too. ;)]

  3. WOW! you’ve had some great jobs! Ive only ever done acting. You’ve got so many talents for a wonderful person, so i guess thats a good thing! LOSTL!

    My friends dad used to work at a sewerage plant. So you’re lucky there!


    • My most remarkable talent is that despite my obvious and unmedicated ADD, I have managed to feed and clothe three children, and one of them has survived almost into adulthood. Thanks for coming by, Bob! Always nice to see you.

  4. Sometimes the mundane-ness of the domestic life breeds a boredom that makes me feel lazy. As if this is all I will ever have to look forward to- ever. It definitely takes creativity (and loud music) to get through the slumps sometimes. Now that I am in school, I have some brain stimulation which helps a whole lot.

    Maybe when you’re feeling restless, you could get into a gas pumper’s uniform and stick a large wad of cash in your pocket and do your housework in it.

    • I actually have a gas pumper’s uniform. Or maybe it’s a mechanic’s uniform. I find them incredibly sexy for some reason, but only on men. Except maybe if a woman had nothing on underneath it might be sexy. But I must be careful what I say, because I don’t want to get poor Bob Trusty overly excited. His mum won’t know what to do with him.

  5. how long does it take you to make a candlestick?

    • Addendum to the above mentioned “candlestick maker”:
      Definition: Candlestick maker shall hereafter refer to the act of, notwithstanding the prior production of or distribution of said candlestick, and heretowith shall remain the sole dominion of and all encompassed within a priori dictum headum and until such time as shall be henceforth cited in below passages and referred to as “three days.”

  6. Bunny Says:

    Well, I just mopped the floor while …. er that’s it. Maybe I’ll do something else … later. Man, I’m exhausted!

  7. Well I am, as always, wildly impressed. (Singing telegram digs aside).

    You have an extensive resume, and when the apocalypse arrives, I want to be with you. We’ll need candlestick makers (I was going to read your addendum, but because I don’t know what an addendum is, I passed. I have a fear of big words. In medical terms it’s known as bigwordscaremeophobia, but I’m getting help. Oh, and “damn big words.”).

    Plus when the end is here, we’ll need someone to pump gas. I can help. Not so much in the actual pumping of gas, but in my lame efforts to try and do the job.

    There’s something about me, fiddling endlessly with a car’s gas cap that brings out the sweeping gales of laughter from strangers and loved ones.

    Yes, I’m a pathetic and frail thing and my job experience is all very laughable…

    Past employment includes…

    Singing telegraphs
    Lifeguard at a wading pool (really, you just can’t make this stuff up)
    Performer of puppet shows across North America

    • Alan, I am starting to think that you need real psychological help. What kind of person performs puppet shows? It’s sick, I tell you. Monstrous, really!

      I’m so glad you settled into this job as…wait a minute. What is it you do, exactly?

      Well, no matter. Just steer clear of musical greeting cards and muppets, and I’m sure everything will turn out just fine for you. As for the lifeguarding gig, I knew someone whose brother’s cousin’s daughter’s friend’s teacher got a splinter in a wading pool, so you can never be too careful.

      • True story.

        On my first day as a lifeguard at a wading pool an adorably cute 3-year-old smiling girl holding a massive watering can wandered up to me and said “hi.”

        I said, “Hello dear, what’s that you have in your hand?”

        She belted me across the head with the watering can.

        I needed three stitches.

        I haven’t been right since.

        Puppet shows = safety from kids behind the puppet stage.

      • Hey! Read below.

    • OK, now you know I was a puppeteer, too, right? And did a tour across the States.


      Too odd.

  8. I would rather work on a chain gang than cook. You should see my trying to cook something that isn’t ready-made for the oven or microwave.

    Why do you want a job, anyway? Work is lame. 😉

    • Mike! You’re back! I was terribly worried something tragic had befallen you, much like the last person you wrote about. And by that I mean I was worried that you were becoming childlike, skeletal, and nose-less.

      I love cooking. But I prefer to not have small rabid lemurs hanging from my legs while I do it, so it is not in the cards for me right now. I used to be a regular Martha Stewart.

      Now I think I might be more like Jon Stewart, with a good shot of Amy Sedaris. (I know, I know…there I go with the Sedaris thing again.)

  9. I would give two nickles and a shiny dime to be in your place. However husband suffers from social anxiety… (fear of work) so he stays home instead. All I can say is you’re the luckiest girl I kinda know… Does that make sense?

  10. As a stressed-out member of the corporate bureaucracy, I have to say I’d rather have been home with the kids….washing, cleaning, cooking and hearding cats. Not that it’s any less stressful, gawd knows that it isn’t…but because it’s far more rewarding…and important work.

    p.s. You’ll miss the “Mommmeeeeeeeeeee!” someday 🙂

    • I hate to be a naysayer, but I’ve done both the working mom thing and the stay-at-home mom thing, and working outside the home is hands down much easier. At work, I often got to go to the bathroom all by myself. I sometimes got to eat a meal sitting down. I was occasionally even told I did a good job.

      With mom at work all day, that means kids are out of the house, too, so there is less mess.

      I know the grass is always greener, but I’ve eaten on both sides of the fence. Yum.

  11. Oh, I should also say this: I know it’s the best place for me, that it is what’s best for my kids and all of that. But it is just so. damn. hard. And the rewards are so far away.

    I know I will miss them being little; having a teenager has shown me that. But I’ve been a mom for almost half my life now, and I still have about 18 years to go before they are (probably) out of the house. Good lord. Why’d I have to go and say that?

    I think I need a drink.

  12. You can make a boatload of money making candles…start selling them on your site.

  13. Nice post.

    Just gave me inspiration to do a series of posts about my previous life as a retail slave (having just finished a series of posts about working in the library, I needed something a little bit more off the wall).

    Many, many thanks for the inspiration. I’ll make sure to give credit where credit is due.


  14. Ah yes, the job that pays less than any other and that you cannot quit! But the dividends are worth it in the end… 🙂

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