Kidz Bop Can Suck It

I used to be one of those people who would drive around blasting Public Enemy, or D.R.I. from speakers that were never built to handle such bringing on of the kickass.

I sang Nine Inch Nails “Closer” as loud as possible with the windows down and did not care one whit about the people staring at me.  I smiled and waved at them while mouthing the chorus.

But now, when I pull up beside you at a light, you are more likely to hear Kidz Bop from my minivan.

Oh the Huge Manatee!

My kids all love music, and thanks to McDonald’s happy meals, we now have a small collection of tripe music from Kidz Bop. Basically, they take mediocre songs and force 279 children to sing them. If one of my children puts one into the CD player, it starts playing automatically and if I don’t go all quick-draw McGraw on it, it’s too late.

“Mommy! Was that Kidz Bop?? Put it back on!”

My question is: why? Why take songs that are okay if you like that sort of thing, and make them into the stuff nightmares are made of?

How about this: they took Nickelback’s “Photograph,” which already sucked, and had these kids sing it. A song about reminiscing about being stoned, or something like that.  They changed the simply shocking word “hell” to “heck.” Perfect.

I’d like to see them add Beyonce’s “Check Up on It,” which is relatively tame, or 50 Cent’s “In Da Club.”  Maybe even a nice cover of “Shake That” by Eminem with Nate Dogg. I’m wondering how they’d fix the obvious lyrical problems in those songs.

Believe it or not, Kidz Bop is one of the best selling CD series ever produced.

If this isn’t a sign of the apocalypse, my name is Flava Flav.


35 Responses to “Kidz Bop Can Suck It”

  1. I often think the same thing when I hear a song from the 60’s or 70’s used in a commercial – a song that was about sex or rebellion or whatever, now being used to sell cars. Whatever.

  2. Kids Bop CDs from McDonalds make for potential clay pigieons for 20 g shotguns. The Disney-fication of music is one of the main reasons I refuse to cross the threshold of a Disney park. Buy some music from Dan Zanes instead.


  3. We have successfully avoided Kidz Bop, so far, but I don’t hold much hope for the future. Whirlygirl starts school in a couple of months. It’s only a matter of time now.

  4. They used to play that stuff at the gym and it used to creep me out. I have never liked that childrens’ choir sound, but this shoots it to the moon. One more reason that I am thankful my kids are older.

    And yeah- you need to oops! scratch that baby all to shit.

  5. You just made me so happy to be out of the states! Thank God I don’t have to hear that shit.
    Although I do love your ideas. In addition to the rap, I might also include some Marilyn Manson and even Pink Floyd; considering how great the wall sounds with a kid’s chorus.
    On a side note; I went to see Public Enemy when I was 16. We were the only white kids there, but we had fun and survived. Yay!

  6. Amen, sister.

  7. LOL. I have heard music like that and it is creepy. I don’t remember music being like that when I was young.

  8. I love nine inch nails. thankfully my kids are grown so I can play Trent as often as i like 😉

  9. Fortunately, my kids are old enough where I don’t have to be tortured with what that kind of garbage.

    Except for my daughter liking Hannah Montana.

    NiN is good to listen to while driving.

    My preference for early-morning-commute-music-to-prepare-for-a-stupid-work-day is Saliva.

  10. I am waiting for the Kidzbop version of Closer.

    • “I wanna stuff you like an animal”?

      I can see it.
      “You get me closer to…” Hmmm. Stymied on that one. Any suggestions?

      • You let me play dolls with you
        You let me play toys with you
        You let me play leggo with you
        You let me eat pizza with you
        I have a brand new toy car
        I’ve got lots of things to share
        Is the only thing that works for me
        Help me get the toys off my shelf

        I wanna stuff you like a toy animal
        I wanna share the boogers in my nose
        I wanna tickle you like an Elmo
        My play pen is fun
        You get me closer to Sponge Bob

        You can have my cheerios
        You can have the milk with it too
        You can have my doo doo and blanket
        You can have my everything

        (I’m sharing…)
        It’s really always the season
        (For sharing…)
        It’s your toy and mine
        (We’re sharing…)
        You make me perfect
        Now let’s go play with somebody else

        I wanna stuff you like a toy animal
        I wanna share the boogers in my nose
        I wanna tickle you like an Elmo
        My play pen is fun
        You get me closer to Sponge Bob

        Through every crunchy cookie
        Above the furby plush
        Beside the oatmeal
        or what I call “mush”
        I drink the apple juice honey, inside my home…
        You are the reason I’m not alone…

  11. DAMN you nailed it! I am totally cracking up here. THANK YOU, you’ve made my day. Now I’m off to tweet this. 😉

  12. That is awesome.

  13. “Babies hate Black Sabbath”
    Greg Behrendt

  14. Also, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

  15. Ram Venkatararam Says:

    They can’t really be bigger than the K-Tel Mini Pops?

    I believe that they are the most talented young people working in entertainment today. (sorry, that part was meant for Fundamental Jelly’s blog).

    • Ram! I’ve missed you.

      I don’t know how big they are. Judging from their voices I’d say about 4 – 4 1/2 feet tall. The Mini Pops sound like some kind of candy. Are we having a native language barrier problem here?

      I thought Fundamental Jelly, Alan Truitt, you and I were the most talented young people working in entertainment today. Puzzling. 😉

  16. Who? Hah? What? Did someone mention my name? What’d I miss?

  17. I hate the commercials. They make me cringe! I’m thankful my kids don’t really like McDonalds or Kidz Bop. However they love really bad for children music and it’s all their dads fault!

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