Kidnapped! The Saga Continues
Stardate June 4, 2009. Day 3 in captivity.
Wait a minute. Is it day three, really? Those hours in the trunk of the Pacer really threw me.
My treatement at the hands of this dastardly duo has been moderately taxing. They tried to feed me a Big Mac, which everyone knows is the most disgusting creation ever to grace a sesame seed, wallpaper paste bun. And since McD’s stopped using hydrogenated oils, the fries suck too.
So I’m hungry, and still tipsy from the shandy drinking last night. And I had some kind of crazy dreams that my children were texting me to ask how to use the washing machine. Thank goodness my cell battery is almost dead.
Why don’t I use the cell to cal 911, you ask?
Well, my captors have been wooing me with poetry and promises of Christmas gifts. I’m finding it difficult to turn them in, despite the hardship of riding in the back seat of a Pacer with Fundamental Jelly driving and Alantru talking constantly.
Actually, I find it refreshing that they haven’t asked me to find them a pair of matching socks yet, so I may just hang for a bit and see where the wind blows us. As an added bonus, FJ is especially handy with pointing out rare reptiles.
So our journey is essentially an unending diatribe by Alantru about the marvelous things beginning with the letter M, and his attempts to verbally work out the best way to avoid Best Man duty (a task, I assure you, he is not suited for), punctuated by shouts of, “Blunt-nosed leopard lizard!” and “Gilbert’s skink!”
This has been an educational experience for me, and I feel myself drawn inexorably into the web of mystery surrounding these two men.
And I do love a good shandy.
Barely Knit Together 
June 4, 2009 at 09:32
What happened to the new look? Oh yeah – I enjoyed your post too.
June 4, 2009 at 09:33
Sounds like ggod times. Love your writing style.
June 4, 2009 at 09:45
Thank you! I appreciate the comment.
June 4, 2009 at 09:56
By any chance did you happen to bring along your knitting supplies? If you did, why not knit a couple of custom made ski caps for them to bide your time. If not, tell them to swing by the closest Walmart and ask them what colors they’d prefer. It’s the least they could do to accommodate their uncomfortable hostage.
June 4, 2009 at 13:16
Of course I brought my knitting! I’ve already finished these things. I’m the one in the red.
And I knitted one of these for Fundamental Jelly to wear on his expeditions into the wild. I thought it might attract lizards.
For Alantru, I have something extra special in the works. You’ll just have to wait – it’s a surprise!
June 4, 2009 at 14:21
I’m totally impressed! To have been kidnapped and had your wits about you enough to bring along your treasured assets. Not only that, but to have already completed two obviously highly intricate patterns while squished in the back of a Pacer. You rock, my dear! FJ I am sure will get endless usage out of his knitted headpiece. If you find the time, may I request an equally magnificent bikini for by boating escapades this summer?
June 4, 2009 at 11:22
Wow. You kidnap someone, writing them abducting love poetry, scarf down a quarter pounder with cheese, have more than a few shandies, stop off at a wool store to get them some vicuna fiber to knit you a ski cap (and a sweater for Bob), go to sleep for a couple of hours, (lousy hours being a semi-pro kidnapper, by the way) and then you discover that the sweet soul you’ve kidnapped has just up and left and redecorated her home Where’s all the blue? What’s going on? Dudette, where’s my Stockholm Syndrome? Shouldn’t we have talked about this first? I need more fries – and McNuggets! Suddenly my kooky kidnapping world doesn’t make any sense… Wait! Let me check the car’s trunk!
June 4, 2009 at 13:06
Alan,
It’s me, Barely Knit. I’m right here, in the back seat. Right behind you?
Anyway, I have no idea who did the redecorating. It’s a mystery surrounded by an enigma and wrapped in a wonton wrapper. Or maybe it’s a wanton rapper.
Please don’t go all processed on me. I need you to stay strong. I don’t know if I can handle all the negotiating for my release on my own. My affection for you is growing, and only you can come up with the kind of
disgustingbizarrerandomimpossible requests that will allow me to stay indefinitely while the people who want me back try to meet your ridiculous demands.Now hush. Listen. What’s that noise?
Ah – it’s the sound of one hand not doing laundry. Enjoy.
June 4, 2009 at 13:24
Hahaa! On there you are! Sorry. I got a big logy from eating all those Happy Meals. I’ll try not to get too processed. Guess that means avoiding cheese slices.
I just love it when kidnapping gets Zen. Makes me wonder: If the laundry gets folded but no one sees you doing it, then is it wearable? Ah, the eternal riddle…
Yay! I love surprises… Hard to imagine anything topping that sexy turkey hat. And I must say, you looked very festive in your red, um, outfit… 😀
June 4, 2009 at 13:43
The eternal riddle in my house, which I am not in at the moment, is “who is going to fold all that laundry?”
It’s like a knock-knock joke in which someone says knock knock and nothing else happens.
Same thing with “What’s for dinner?”
And thank you for the compliment on my outfit. Circumcision is just plain wrong, you know.
June 4, 2009 at 13:55
You have solved that riddle in a most excellent fashion.
As for circumcision: It may be wrong… But it feels so right!
😀
June 4, 2009 at 13:59
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
And also,
heeheehehehehehe!
Well, I may disagree with the idea, but I can’t disagree with the funny way you state your case.
June 4, 2009 at 14:00
Boy, Fundamental Jelly must really have to concentrate hard to drive this vehicle. He’s so quiet! Almost like he’s not here, but out in the field somewhere.
It’s sad, really.
June 4, 2009 at 17:34
He’s just gone out to get more ginger beer. The blunt-nosed leopard lizards love that stuff!
June 4, 2009 at 19:35
I love how the deeper a comment’s nesting is, the narrower the column. It makes the replies look almost like poetry.
June 4, 2009 at 19:38
Rereading this comment (Yes, I do that. It’s terribly embarrassing.) makes me think you did not read far enough into The Omnivore’s Dilemma.
There’s more to it than just the corn/McDonald’s chapter, you know.
June 4, 2009 at 21:08
The circumcision chapter is fascinating – what a cruel and unnecessary thing to do to a cow. Still, they look nicer.
😀
June 4, 2009 at 21:32
I think I might start having trouble a la “gall bladder surgery” if we keep this up. Maybe my next post will be about how circumcision is genital muteness*. Or is it mootness? Is that the right word? I know I have the right one around here somewhere…
*For the record, I do have very strong feelings about the topic. I don’t think it’s any more appropriate to do this to boys than it is to do it to girls. It is simply not evidence-based care.
There – I’ve said it. Bring on the flames. (Only kidding, since most of my readers are a pretty crunchy crew.)
June 4, 2009 at 22:59
As long as your next post isn’t about circumcising your kidnappers, it’s all good with me. 😉
June 4, 2009 at 23:08
Hahaha! Excellent. Like I said, I’m against it on principle, so no worries there. I like you both just the way you are. However that may be. 😉
June 4, 2009 at 23:10
Hahaha! Phew!
June 4, 2009 at 23:11
Goodnight. Wake me when you get back with the coffee. Or is it FJ’s turn? Remember, I like my coffee black, like my soul.
June 4, 2009 at 16:54
The Stockholm Syndrome has definitely set in. Much like Patti Hearst, you are now I see involved in crimes that later you can say you remember nothing about.
What am I talking about you ask…YOU STOLE MY THEME. I am the only one (of about 2 million) who uses the Black Letterhead Theme by Ulysses Ronquillo.
June 4, 2009 at 17:21
Will someone please set Bearman straight? I don’t have time for this. *shakes head*
June 4, 2009 at 17:30
As resident nosey parker, I will.
Hey, Bearman… The Black Letterhead Theme by Ulysses Ronquillo is the theme our dear friend has been using since March 2008. She recently switched over to a more stark blue but has returned to her original design. I just checked your site and see that you originally posted in September 2008. So technically, you stole her theme. Although I suspect it is more of a case of great minds thinking alike. 🙂
June 4, 2009 at 20:05
Damn’t I know. (cries) I actually remember seeing her original and thinking cool somone else likes my theme. Its really the only reason I commented in the first place.
Secretly she has been doing all my drawings as well (well only the good ones) I get all my inspiration from BKT. Currently I am learning to knit the Box Stitch but am having trouble b/c my fingers are so fat.
June 4, 2009 at 20:26
Best laugh of the day goes to Bearman!
Thanks, buddy – you’re the best. But I don’t have time to draw anymore, since I’m so busy being kidnapped. 🙂
June 4, 2009 at 17:37
Nice.
A bit a of brevity for a tired mind to follow.
Hope you’re taking the back roads on this little sojourn from the trails and tribulations of the day.
If not, may I recommend US 6 going through Pennsylvania?
June 4, 2009 at 21:02
Wait? People FOLD their (#*$&ing laundry???
Now I feel inadequate
June 4, 2009 at 21:35
Real people do, Lydia.
But I don’t, so you’re in excellent company. Yes ma’am, you and I and our mountains of clothes*. I think there should be a sitcom wherein a family is forced to dig through the pile of clothes in the bedroom that everyone pretends is the young boys’ room even though they all know the boys will never sleep there since they won’t leave my damn bed!! Er…I mean they won’t leave the parents’ bed. Yeah. That’s the ticket.
*Isn’t that a Tracy Chapman song?
June 5, 2009 at 13:02
I go away for a while, I come back and you’re kidnapped? The world has quite literally gone insane. Or I have gone insane. Which is far more likely.
June 5, 2009 at 13:18
Missed you! The kidnapping is a much needed escape from normal life.
But I should pretend (for my family’s sake) that I am not enjoying it.
June 5, 2009 at 21:27
Hey BK, there’s a reptile right next to you…real close
Right Next To You
June 5, 2009 at 21:30
🙂
High hilarity!
Welcome back!
June 5, 2009 at 22:03
Wonderful, FJ! I missed you terribly. While you were out picking up the ginger beer, I mean. 😉
June 6, 2009 at 01:24
I must say that your stories are addicting. I can’t get enough. I was wondering if I could put you on my blogroll so that I can get to your site faster. I am new to your site but I generally know right off the bat if I will like things and, from what I read, I love this blog. Thank you for your time and for the stories.
June 6, 2009 at 08:01
Eric,
Of course I’d be honored to be included on your blogroll. Add away. So glad you came by, and I’m sure you noticed I was checking out your site yesterday. Great stuff!
I look forward to “seeing” you again.
June 6, 2009 at 04:54
Are you serving ginger beer? I’ll be right over
June 6, 2009 at 08:03
There’s plenty for everyone! 🙂
But then you’ll have to leave, because I just don’t think I can bear to share FJ’s and Alan’s attention with you and your corsets. 😉
June 6, 2009 at 20:58
Can you guys swing by and kidnap me too? I don’t need the attention, just the vacation and the sleep. Since BKT’s moved into the backseat, I will gladly curl up in the trunk.
June 6, 2009 at 22:03
Sure Claire, anything for you.
June 7, 2009 at 00:58
Other than the food this seems like a great kidnapping experience, or at least as good as one can get. Sorry that the Big Mac was your source of food, really quite undesirable.
June 7, 2009 at 01:00
Yet another intoxicating journey. Thank you for the wonderful entertainment.
June 7, 2009 at 16:07
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