Archive for March, 2009

99 Bottles of Blog on the Wall

Posted in Homemaking Made Easy, Mental Stability, Motherhood, People Are Idiots, Why you should maybe rethink the whole reproducing thing, Writing with tags , , , , , on March 31, 2009 by Ms. Ex

Interestingly, my biggest motivator and friend, Melissa, is also celebrating her 100th post TODAY!  I guess we both started taking our writing more seriously about the same time, only she was much more disciplined than I was for a while.  Then she started nursing school, and with four kids and a husband to take care of – let’s just say I caught up.  For now.

For my little celebration, I’m doind a round up of my favorite posts.  Mostly funny, I think, but I’ll let you be the judge.

Just keep it to yourself if you disagree, mmkay?

Dear God, Someone Please Stop Her

How to Leave a Party in Three Easy Steps

My Morning Routine

Not So Serious, After All

Top Ten Reasons to Only Go Places With Nice Bathrooms

Cleaning Tips for Real People

The Cow Call

Male Female Relations in a Nutshell

Cool Beans

P.S.  Thanks for all the love!

Death of a Really, Really Old Tree

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on March 30, 2009 by Ms. Ex

Today is the day I lose a tree.

My house is 102 years old now, and apparently, the builder thought it would be fabulous to plant some kind of a gigantic spruce tree approximately 4″ from the foundation.

I would show you what roots do to a basement, but there’s a chance the assessor might read my blog, and then I might never be able to refinance.

There is also the issue of the tree being split into two huge trunks which are chained together with some sort of contraption.  The idea is that the weight will keep either side from falling.  But I walk around with this impending sense of doom on every windy day – is my tree going to leave Anne and Eric’s children orphans?  Will it smash Kelly and Jody’s vehicles?  I just can’t live like this.

So goodbye, shade.  Goodbye, tiny little adorable pine cones falling on the tin roof and blocking the hidden gutters.  Goodbye, squirrel-y easy access to my home.

And goodbye to the last hour of peace and quiet (if you don’t count the sound of little glass marbles being thrown around a room with hardwood floors) I will get today.

So I’m posting some photos here – a memorial of sorts.  And I’m open to suggestions about what to put there to replace it.  Preferably something a little, um,  less tall.

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Why School Fundraisers Don’t Have to Suck

Posted in A Bit on the Dark Side, Naughty, Why you should maybe rethink the whole reproducing thing with tags , , on March 28, 2009 by Ms. Ex

The other day I read a Facebook comment that said, “I want a school fundraiser that gives me something back, you know?  Something useful, like coupons.”

Normally, what I do with the fundraising sheets that have come home from our local schools is a) misplace them until the day before it’s due b) write a check for a few bucks and toss the whole mess into the recycling bin.  Unless the catalog has cool pictures in it; then I put it in the paper crafting bin and make cards to sell on Etsy.  Hey, do I look like I’m made of money?

Why can’t schools do something like this: send home a note saying, “For $10, we will only send home these things four times a year.  If you donate $20, that’s reduced to two times a year, and we won’t tell your kid that your last check bounced.  Cash only please.  Finally, for $100, not only will you not hear from us again this year, but we promise the big 64 count box of Crayola crayons will go to your daughter’s room only (and that brat who called your kid a dork will get the store brand box of sixteen).

It looks like someone beat me to the punch, however, with devising a way to raise money that might actually “give back” a little to the purchaser.  If you buy your sex toys through this program, a substantial percent of your purchase goes towards educating children in Malipampang (Philippines).  I have enough trouble with the weird search terms that land people on my blog, so I’m just going to refer you to Mominatrix, who wrote about it much more eloquently than I ever could.

So forget about $20 wrapping paper, the $15, artificially scented vanilla soy candles, and the magazine subscriptions at only twice the newsstand price!

After all, a happy giver is a repeat giver, right?

Fiber Friday Giveaway: The Dark Side Has Cookies. And T-Shirts.

Posted in Fiber Friday, Giveaway with tags , , , , , , , on March 27, 2009 by Ms. Ex

Welcome to another Fiber Friday giveaway here in the nuthouse.   On Facebook recently, I came across  an old friend

an acquaintance

a guy I used to play baseball with when I was a tomboy kid but I really just did cartwheels in the outfield so I shouldn’t remind him but see, his dad was the coach and what six year old can hit a ball into the outfield?  so I was totally bored out there

someone I went to school with.  When you grow up where we did, you apparently either stay here forever and become one of them or you get a wicked case of ‘weird sense of humor.’  When you are lucky like me, you get to stay and you get the humor, and it all  just serves to alienate you from your community.  Thank goodness for the influx of people from Charlottesville and such or I wouldn’t have any friends.  Except Melissa, of course, but our town is big enough for more than one eccentric.

Anyhows, I should first warn you that this guy’s sense of humor is just a wee bit naughty, or possibly very naughty, so if you have delicate sensibilities, you should just go read someone else’s blog today.  Seriously.  I don’t need you hatin’ on the Barely Knit.

Here is what Ken has to say about his shirts:

NakedGringo is a new and exciting brand of tropically-inspired t-shirts. Established just one mile from the blue-green waters of the Atlantic ocean in Fort Lauderdale, Gringo draws his inspiration from the characters he sees at the beach, the conversations he overhears at local brew houses and coffee shops, and of course from his own twisted imagination.
Every design featured on NakedGringo.com is a limited edition, wearable conversation piece.  Only 100 shirts are printed of each design. Divide that by the various sizes and chances are likely that no one is going to have the same shirt as you.
Gringo also produces original designs and prints for local restaurants, bars, events, sports teams,and charities. These designs are not offered for sale via the website, but you can always spot the fashionably uninhibited when you see the trademarked “original PalmPrint by Gringo” logo.
I hope you have as much fun wearing your NakedGringo t-shirt as you do when you take it off!

I couldn’t have said it better myself.  Ahem.

Ken let me know that he has a cool new design for women coming out, as well as a breast cancer awareness shirt in the works.  He has sizes small, medium, large and extra large, and if you win, I’m sure he can work with you on what you want.  Or maybe, just maybe – you can wait long enough to see your own design on your shirt.

He let me know he is always on the lookout for new design ideas, so this is the giveaway dealy-o:  leave a comment with an idea for a t-shirt.  It can be anything, no holds barred (obviously, he’s not squeamish).  If he likes your idea, I will hook you guys up (in the old fashioned way, trust me) and maybe he can add your design to his collection.

His site is new still and he only has a few designs up, but you can see more at Naked Mafia.  Do you sense a theme here, folks?  It is mighty hot down there, you know.

Don’t worry if you can’t think of any design ideas.  Just leave a comment and I’ll add you to the drawing.  The winner of a t-shirt (your choice of style and size) will be chosen at random.  The contest ends at 8 PM EST on Tuesday, March 31, and I will post the winner the following day.

Therapy Thursday: The Best Humor Links on the Web

Posted in Mental Stability with tags , , , , , on March 26, 2009 by Ms. Ex

UDATE the last:  I hereby declare Chris of Coach Mom fame the winner!  Tim Hawkins is a new one for me, and I have to say “I Work at Subway” is genius if for nothing besides his perfectly executed boy-band moves.  And the fact that my daughter loved that song years ago so I was forced to hear it over and over again made this extra delicious.  So hop on over to one of the Etsy shops, Chris, and spend your $10, which in these lean times is more like $1000, right?  Thanks for playing – hope you all got a chuckle.

UPDATE:  WordPress is smarter than I am.  Apparently, in the “suggested reading” type thingy, they added this link, and my friend Jamie insisted that I add it.  She is totally right.  Motherhood Uncensored is the bomb, and even in the rain, on the can, or in the dark of night can make me bust a gut.  So – my bad.  Add her to the list.

I’m giving myself permission, today.  Permission to wash my dishes, to make weird videos for a weight loss program, and maybe, if my co-workers are lucky – take a shower.

So on this gray day, I wish to ask you to participate in my personal therapy day, and tell me how you cure depression.  With laughter.

I’m going to give you my top three funny websites.  I almost inevitably bust out laughing when reading these, but for very different reasons.

The first one is just some random stuff this guy “Ram” writes about.  He has built his blog around the idea of a convenience store, and he pretends to be (is??) an English as a second language, foreign convenience store clerk, and all that entails.  It takes some kind of talent to convey a foreign accent in writing, but without bizarre spelling or strange forms he manages to do just that.  Visit him at The Food Here Convenience Store.  Now – go!

Next up is Cake Wrecks, which is so popular I’m sure you all know about it.  I sometimes don’t visit for several days, so I can save up the laugh.  It’s kinda like Bogarting a joint.  I mean, I think it must be like that, I don’t actually know.

Finally, there is Jo at The Modernity Ward.  Funny?  Oh my goodness.  I can’t seem to shake the image of her in denim overalls and Mary Janes striking a pigeon-toed cutesy punk stance in her fab glasses.  She talks about being a mom, being a holdover from the ’80’s and ’90’s, she talks about PCOS, about converting to Judaism…in short, she just talks about damn near whatever is on her mind at the moment.  She is very high on my I-so-want-to-meet-her-ometer.

So here’s the scoop, if you made it this far.  Post a link in the comments to the funniest shiznizzle you’ve ever seen on teh internets.  If you make me laugh the hardest, so hard I don’t feel the need to take my anti-anxiety meds today, you win a $10 credit in either of my Etsy shops: Indecorum or Wonderfully Made Stuff.  I also do some custom work, so if you have an idea for something, let me know and I’ll see what I can do.

Tomorrow, yet another Fiber Friday giveaway that comes with a warning: Naked Gringo is not for the prudish.  Enter at your own risk!

Here’s lookin’ at you, kid.

Wordless Wednesday: Morning Snuggles

Posted in Wordless Wednesday with tags , , , , , on March 25, 2009 by Ms. Ex
Morning Tuggles

Morning Tuggles

In the morning, the boys and I usually have snuggles, which sounds like “tuggles” when Ethan says it.  I was already up on this particular morning, so they had to settle for each other.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Posted in Motherhood with tags , , on March 23, 2009 by Ms. Ex
Here, mommy, these are for you!

Here, mommy, these are for you!

This child, the one in the picture holding the weeds flowers that are the totality of my lawn, just asked me why there are lines on the Italian pottery bowl he is eating his pizza from.  They are meant to make the bowl look rustic, I suppose, or something like that.

I told him that the person who made the bowl put them there on purpose.

He said, “Is that what God told him to do?”

I am so grateful.  Between the flowers and the adorably simplistic view of a coma-inducing complexity, I remembered why I had children.

For my personal amusement, of course.