The Long and Winding

I am fairly open here, from the safety of my dining room table desk, seated in front of my dinosaur laptop.  I suppose I feel a certain amount of anonymity, as everyone seems to on the internet.  But I am also socially retarded, so I often make glib jokes about totally inappropriate things.  Like mental illness.

When I am honest and serious, I can admit that the framework that drives my decisions and actions is flawed.  The wiring is bad.  It’s all present; it’s just shorting out everywhere.  I need a wiring diagram.  I might have found one.

It’s called Dialectical Behavior Therapy, and I hear great things about it that I can’t yet bring myself to believe.

I know that it will require a dedication from me that will be difficult to muster.  But first, it requires a belief that I am worth the effort.

I often think of that tired expression about reaching for goals that are in the distant future.  You know, the one that says something to the effect of, “If you don’t do it, where will you be at the end of that time?”

You have to do the time; you might as well have done something while waiting.

So this is where I find myself.

Since I’ve committed to sticking around for a while so I can capitalize on the whole ‘people are idiots’ paradigm, I figure I will probably live at least another five years (actually,  probably much longer than that, but I’m being conservative).  At the end of that time I could be the same person who repeatedly sabotages her life and relationships or drives people away with her over-emotionality, or I could be a person who can exist in a gray area.  I can learn to meld the rational with the emotional, instead of operating out of only one or the other at any given moment.

Or maybe I can’t be that person.

But at the end of five years, I can bag the whole thing if I want.  Either way, I’m gonna give it five years.

I might as well.  Nothing else has worked so far.

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3 Responses to “The Long and Winding”

  1. All change is difficult. Let me know how I can support you. I’m interested in hearing more about this, let’s pretend we are having coffee and discussing our states of mental health.

  2. I’ve heard mixed things about DBT. I’ve heard practitioners rave about, and I’ve heard patients rant about it. If it seems to help, then go for it; but if you have reservations, I would trust those instincts. You know best about what works for you and what doesn’t.

  3. It looks really similar to the work you can do using John Bradshaw’s methods. I highly recommend “Healing the Shame That Binds You”. His inner child work is really powerful. It’s much more peaceful operating from a calm center – but, it’s a lot of work to get there!

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