Nothing Routine About It

I recently read another mom’s blog post about morning routines. I started to respond, but after about 400 words, I thought I should exit graciously and perhaps use up cyber space on my blog to share my own super-duper-fabuloso *MORNING ROUTINE*. Here goes.

Specs: Mom, 15 year old girl E, 4 year old boy E, 13 month old boy B, Somewhere in the Twilight Zone, Southwest, VA:

I am going to make all you moms and dads feel like the Queens (and Kings) that you are. Alarm? I can no longer sleep past seven even though I don’t go to bed until midnight and still get awakened at least three times by one child or another, since I am at the advanced maternal age of 37 and have old people’s insomnia. I don’t work outside the home in the morning, so I only have to get anyone ready to leave the house on Monday, Wednesday and Friday when E man has preschool, and it’s usually not a problem, since I slept in the clothes I had on the previous day. I can just roll out the door and none of the other moms know because they didn’t see me the day before. Also, I don’t really get to brush my teeth, but no one at my son’s school is terribly friendly to the strange mom so I don’t have to talk to anyone.

I noticed that a lot of you have wet hair in the morning. I solved this problem by shaving my head. Since I never brushed it anyway, it really works out better for me aesthetically.

The four year old doesn’t eat anything except brown and white foods (can you say, “high needs”?) so breakfast, if I remember it, is usually waffles or some other carbolicious delight. And of course – coffee for me. I save time by making one large pot and pouring myself cups from it over the course of the next 2-3 days and reheating in the microwave. I find the flavor is best on day three.

While Mr. High Needs watches “his show” (whatever I can find that suits him at the moment) I nurse the baby into oblivion, since his suck emergencies seem to peak in the morning. While he happily depletes whatever is left in me after his all-night marathon, I answer email and deal with a nonprofit for which I (of all people!) am the treasurer.

When I finally glance at the clock and realize we have five minutes to get out the door and get to school, E will usually say something like, “I want to walk to school today, Mommy,” or, “I have to go poop.” Mamas, I *wish* he could read in there, because at least that half an hour he spends on the potty would be productive, educational time. Instead, we all go in there with him because he cannot be alone even for a minute. I bring a book and the baby and some toys, unless I decide to let baby B play in the cupboard under the sink with the opiates and antidepressants and the cleaning products, and this is where I get all my reading done. Thank you, Ariel Gore for being such a quick, fun read! For obvious reasons, I also love essayists like David Sedaris, since I can devour a few of them in the time it takes E to perform his morning ablutions.

I am thinking of homeschooling, mostly because I doubt we will ever be able to get out the door on time. At least at home, I won’t be in trouble for tardiness, and no one will ever know how long it’s been since I showered.


4 Responses to “Nothing Routine About It”

  1. That was great!! Thank you!

  2. Poor 15-yo did not appear in story!? Is this symbolism disguised? Or was she still beneath her luxurious comforter?

  3. In the interest of full disclosure – I failed to mention the 15 year old daughter because she is on the bus at – get this – 6:30 AM!! This is usually preceded by her asking me several questions and me having to find things for her that I could have found the night before if she had not been too sullen and teenageresque to speak to me.

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