Archive for the Mental Stability Category

Will Work For Just Long Enough to Demonstrate My Ineptness

Posted in Mental Stability, Motherhood, Why you should maybe rethink the whole reproducing thing with tags , , , , , , on July 2, 2009 by Ms. Ex

I have had many, many jobs.

I have been a gas station attendant, a dish washer, a car washer, a book store clerk, an art store clerk, an environmental department cubicle dweller, an analytical lab tech chemist type person, a butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker. But the last three I don’t get paid for, since they’re part of my wifely duties.

The thing is, I keep convincing people they should hire me, and these people continue paying me to work for them even after I demonstrate my total lack of common sense or normalcy.

I’m pretty sure if my husband wasn’t financially too invested in me he would upgrade, but I don’t know where else he’d find someone with such diverse experience.

Not only can I pump gas and wash dishes, but I can formulate scathing tongue lashings for the customer service reps that have screwed up our accounts, all while I’m on hold and playing Memory with the kids.  I can analyze our drinking water for lead and also sew buttons back onto pants. I can write copy so hilarious and captivating that it sells a cheap, fake engagement ring on ebay.  I can create truck routing schedules for hazardous waste pick-ups, a task that may seem irrelevant for a mother but believe me…it is not.  I can count minuscule dead minnows in the bottom of a beaker. I can breed actual sea monkeys successfully, and then feed them to the minnows that did not die.  I can fix Gas Cromatograph Mass Spectrometers that cost more than $100,000 each.

But now, my jobs seem so mundane. Wash dishes. Do laundry. Make appointments. Cook supper.

Where’s the glamor?  The money, the glitz? I was destined for greatness, and now I’m…what?

Now I’m a model. A famous woman who is clamored over and stalked and hears my name shouted from everywhere, over and over and over:

“Mommy? Mommy? Mommeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!”

Kidz Bop Can Suck It

Posted in Mental Stability, Motherhood with tags , , , , on June 18, 2009 by Ms. Ex

I used to be one of those people who would drive around blasting Public Enemy, or D.R.I. from speakers that were never built to handle such bringing on of the kickass.

I sang Nine Inch Nails “Closer” as loud as possible with the windows down and did not care one whit about the people staring at me.  I smiled and waved at them while mouthing the chorus.

But now, when I pull up beside you at a light, you are more likely to hear Kidz Bop from my minivan.

Oh the Huge Manatee!

My kids all love music, and thanks to McDonald’s happy meals, we now have a small collection of tripe music from Kidz Bop. Basically, they take mediocre songs and force 279 children to sing them. If one of my children puts one into the CD player, it starts playing automatically and if I don’t go all quick-draw McGraw on it, it’s too late.

“Mommy! Was that Kidz Bop?? Put it back on!”

My question is: why? Why take songs that are okay if you like that sort of thing, and make them into the stuff nightmares are made of?

How about this: they took Nickelback’s “Photograph,” which already sucked, and had these kids sing it. A song about reminiscing about being stoned, or something like that.  They changed the simply shocking word “hell” to “heck.” Perfect.

I’d like to see them add Beyonce’s “Check Up on It,” which is relatively tame, or 50 Cent’s “In Da Club.”  Maybe even a nice cover of “Shake That” by Eminem with Nate Dogg. I’m wondering how they’d fix the obvious lyrical problems in those songs.

Believe it or not, Kidz Bop is one of the best selling CD series ever produced.

If this isn’t a sign of the apocalypse, my name is Flava Flav.

We Interrupt This Blog…

Posted in Mental Stability with tags , , , , , , , , on June 2, 2009 by Ms. Ex

…to bring you this important message.

Ladies and gentleman (I’ll leave it to you to figure out who is whom), when last we left our heroine she had confessed to outrageous positions on such things as spankings (she likes them), recycling (dependent upon which way the wind is blowing that particular day) and numerical order.

We understand that she has subsequently been kidnapped by a gang of two eco thugs and is being held ransom for the sum of…well, hold on a minute folks.  It seems they do not want money, but instead are asking for a bag of spicy tortilla chips and a lifetime supply of ginger beer.  And also, some Pepto Bismol and some Malabrigo yarn in the Vaa colorway.

One of the kidnappers appears to be dressed like a clown, and the other one is a clown, but was wearing a dog mask.  They were last seen shoving BKT into a baby blue Pacer and speeding off while blasting “It Takes Two” by Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock, and singing over the lyrics, “It takes THREE.”

If you see either of the suspects, or hear from Barely Knit, you are advised to call the CIA immediately, as they are holding a position open for her as a spy (her dream job) and with all the recent cutbacks are unable to spare the manpower necessary to find her. They have, however, uncovered WMDs.  In Monkey’s Eyebrow, AZ.

The Nigerians have offered to buy them.  They will mail you a certified check for $2473 over the amount, and all you have to do is deposit the check and send the difference on to their friend in Spasticsville, KS.

BKT’s family is anxiously awaiting word of her whereabouts and well-being, and also would like to know what they should have for supper and what clothes to wear and where she keeps the milk.

WP news will continue with up-to-the-minute information as the story unfolds.

We now return to our regularly scheduled program.

It’s “I Need Therapy” Thursday

Posted in A Bit on the Dark Side, Mental Stability, Writing with tags , , , , , on May 13, 2009 by Ms. Ex

I’m busy chopping up pieces of paper and trying to assemble something like a coherent story, or a set of notecards, or at least some coasters from it, and in the mean time, I am SUCKING like a suckling pig sucks on an apple, or maybe more like a sucking chest wound.

Between teaching myself HTML (WTF??) and trying to figure out how to make my boobs look 20 again, I’m too distracted to give you anything good.

So I’m giving y’all a break and losing my audience and probably ditching my fabulous career so I can catch up on everything I’ve been ignoring, like washing my hair and folding laundry and organizing my toothpick holder collection.  My little ones are buried in the clothes and I’d really like to see them again before they turn into surly teenagers (and in case you’re wondering, the “little ones” are not the boobs).

This time I swear I’m really doing it.  I can quit posting junk any time!  I’m not a junkie!  Watch me kick, I can do it.  Oohhh, the spiders! They’re crawling under my skin aaaaaaaarrrrghhhhhhh.

Besides, my self-esteem has packed its bags and moved to Alaska to be with Sarah Palin (whose boobs don’t need my help).  I’m thinking being next to her might make me look like a good mother, and since my body will be elsewhere I won’t have to worry about any physical comparisons.

As for my body, it will be hitting the road, too, but in a different direction, maybe to trade school.

I might be better suited for a life of physical labor.

I’m thinking lumberjack.

Me in my minivan, with the stupic puffy hair the haircutting lady gave me, ready for a Fear and Loathing experience. Without the hallucinogenics.  Boo.

Me in my minivan, with the stupid puffy hair the haircutting lady gave me, ready for a Fear and Loathing experience. Without the hallucinogenics. Boo.

So so long, and thanks for all the fish.  And the M&Ms.  And the wampeters, foma and granfalloons.  They were good, too.

I’ll be back next week with my super hero persona back and intact.  If I can find all the necessary pieces.

Zen and the Art of Dinner Party Planning: A Moving Feast

Posted in Mental Stability with tags , , on April 20, 2009 by Ms. Ex

I’ve been learning the skill of mindfulness for the last few months.  This means being completely focused on the moment at hand, and really doing whatever it is you are doing.

So yesterday while driving home from New Jersey, I listened to The Seanachai, rocked out to D.R.I., Violent Femmes,  Bob Dylan and Lou Reed (I’ll address the multiple personality disorder in a future post), and planned my dream dinner party.

See, I spent the whole weekend on vacation from my normal life.  No children, no anyone except my mother, who remained blessedly unobtrusive.  But I did get some blog reading and commenting in, and it was much fun, and included the kind of laughter I haven’t experienced since watching Burn After Reading.  I almost forgot I’m supposed to be depressed!

So anyway, it was a marvelous weekend.  I decided I would prolong the delirious happiness by crafting a guest list of people who would amuse, entertain, and delight me, and most likely each other.  Here it is.

Oh, and don’t be offended if you are my friend and weren’t invited.  It might only mean that you are not goofy cynical or loony twisted enough for this particular gathering.  Not everyone has that special gift.

Tom Magliozzi & Ray Magliozzi from the Car Talk NPR radio show  (They are both geniuses who went to MIT, and now fix cars and talk about it on the radio for a living.)

Pamela Villars (With whom I’ve become familiar through other dinner guests.  Her comments are fabulous, her poetry even better.)

Ram Venkatararam (Currently hiding from authorities, but I’m a damn good cook.  Or is it a damned, good cook?  Perhaps both.  Anyway, I’m sure I can lure him out of hiding for some lentil dal, naan, or gulab jamun (my favorite dessert).

Fundamental Jelly (You know, I had to put a blurb here so he wouldn’t feel left out, but I’m not too clear on what exactly his area of expertise is. But he’s funny.  Oh yeah.  I think he went to clown college or something.)

Alan Truitt (Every dinner party needs a cubicle dweller.  They are known in the wild to be remarkably observant of human behavior.  It’s almost like having a psychic at your party, but for free!)

Emma Thomas (A local friend who happens to be some kind of nuclear genius or something.  She can be my go-to gal when I wish to rehash the days of radiation protection via time, distance, and fear.  Ahhhh, good times.)

Melissa Schuppe (we hate all the same people)

Joe Schuppe (because he needs to laugh more)

Jennifer Bangley (An old friend; bright, talented, and witty with just a hint of dark.  My favorite kind.)

Jon White (Former punk rocker friend turned government lackey.  Well, not quite.  To quote the man himself, he is a “family man, Wiccan priest, ex-literature professor, ex-labor union hack, ex-street activist, now a USPHS Commissioned Corps oncology social worker and disaster responder.  Might make us all look like dolts, but somebody’s gotta do it.)

Chuck Cleland (Because he’s funny and he can talk about math and what could be better than that?  Anyone who becomes a fan of the R Project on Facebook has to be great at a dinner party.)

Jamie Stanek (His Facebook profile picture is his face on Jesus’s body, holding a PBR.  Need I say more?)

Amy and David Sedaris.  If I have to explain them to you, you are definitely not invited.

I’m also open to suggestions, though I’d prefer it if the guests were all alive.  And that does not include being reanimated.

I’ll work out an imaginary menu soon.  Please refrain from sending me your particular food sensitivities and preferences.  This is my party, after all.

End of Week Mashup

Posted in Fiber Friday, Mental Stability with tags , , on April 4, 2009 by Ms. Ex

Over-committed.  What a telling choice of words for signing up to do too much: “committed.”

I am working on two guest blog posts, and will link to them as soon as they are up.  One is for PhD in Parenting’s Carnival of Play, which is a summary of and links to blog posts during the month of April about playing with your kids.  The other is for a nice mama from Lilgreenbaby who I’m sure will probably not even accept it anymore since I’ve taken so long!  It’s a post on cloth diapering, specifically sewing your own, written in my typical not-as-serious-as-I-possibly-could-or-should-be style.

I’ve had two complaints regarding my lack of Therapy Thursday and Fiber Friday posts, which I have appropriately directed to the complaints department.  I’m sure they will be handled with the courtesy and immediacy they deserve.

In the mean time, here they are, late and wrapped up into one short post on home therapy and cotton fiber:

Do you remember what it’s like to put fresh, cotton sheets on your bed?  You know, the 400 thread count ones that you’ve had so long they’re like an old friend?

Know what it feels like to take a long, hot shower with no children standing and crying at the shower door?  And to shave your legs unhurriedly (or at all)?

Last night, I took that shower, and put my refreshed, relaxed body into a bed with crisp sheets that I sprayed with stuff called “Beach Days Sheet and Clothing Spray” that I swear smells just like the beach house I went to with my family as a kid.  The room was cool and fresh from the wind blowing in my open window all day.

I snuggled down into those sheets and propped myself up to read The New Yorker on my Kindle.

Talk about decadent.

My mother is very good at some things, and not stellar at others, but boy, does she know how to pamper someone by making their surroundings comfortable and aesthetically pleasing.

When I go to visit, I sleep in beds that belong in a B&B somewhere, with a dozen blankets to choose from and down pillows and softness everywhere.  And the first morning I’m there, she brings me a cup of coffee in bed.  It’s the one time someone serves me anything, and it only happens a couple of times a year.  I think I appreciate it more because it is so rare.

So last night, I tried to recreate a little of that feeling of decadence.  It worked.  I slept well, I feel refreshed this morning, and almost ready to tackle the ever-looming to-do list.

Almost.  Give me just one more minute in this bed.

99 Bottles of Blog on the Wall

Posted in Homemaking Made Easy, Mental Stability, Motherhood, People Are Idiots, Why you should maybe rethink the whole reproducing thing, Writing with tags , , , , , on March 31, 2009 by Ms. Ex

Interestingly, my biggest motivator and friend, Melissa, is also celebrating her 100th post TODAY!  I guess we both started taking our writing more seriously about the same time, only she was much more disciplined than I was for a while.  Then she started nursing school, and with four kids and a husband to take care of – let’s just say I caught up.  For now.

For my little celebration, I’m doind a round up of my favorite posts.  Mostly funny, I think, but I’ll let you be the judge.

Just keep it to yourself if you disagree, mmkay?

Dear God, Someone Please Stop Her

How to Leave a Party in Three Easy Steps

My Morning Routine

Not So Serious, After All

Top Ten Reasons to Only Go Places With Nice Bathrooms

Cleaning Tips for Real People

The Cow Call

Male Female Relations in a Nutshell

Cool Beans

P.S.  Thanks for all the love!

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.