I have been purging lately. Not the good kind, wherein you lose a lot of weight but still get to enjoy the foods you love. The other, messier kind. The house purge.
We have so much stuff, and I have been so crazy (no, really – like bats in the belfry, toys in the attic, though in our house it’s rats in the attic and toys all over the damn place), that there is nothing but chaos all around us.
I might have mentioned my little pet OCD project. I stumbled into it quite by accident, but we love each other and I think it’s for keeps. Coupled with my ADD it’s like a torrid romance, without the sex, though sex is in the running for the next object of my affection. I jump from obssession to obssession, and before I know it I have enough supplies to keep an army in yarn, fabric, paper crafting, recycled sweaters, rock climbing gear or cigarrettes for at least a decade.
My major hesitation is the baby stuff. I’m parting with the clothes in a fairly light-hearted manner, with only a few tears and gut-wrenching sob sessions, and a mere two huge boxes of ”must keep” items. Because, you know, they’ll never make such adorable clothing for babies again and I might someday have grandchildren.
No, the real problem is cloth diapers.
As I said in an earlier post, I love them. I covet, crave, and fondle them. I have truckloads of fabric out of which I sew them. My last five years has been spent accumulating, experimenting and creating. Most of my knitting has been longies and shorties for – you guessed it – diaper covers.
As I pack away the rarely-used items and try to figure out what to do with all the raw material, I find myself wondering who I will be when we move out of this stage. Since no more babies are in the works (do you HEAR ME UTERUS??) what will I do with the fabric? Will I continue to make and sell on Etsy for other people’s babies? Or is it really time to find some other obssession?
I am so sad to be done. So sad that some day my baby boys will not kiss me squishily on the mouth. Sad that the snuggles in bed in the morning will pass away. Sad that there will be no more toothless smiles in my future, except perhaps my own. I want to want to be done – but I will always ache just a little in my heart that who I am, what I do, is constantly being redefined. Soon, I will no longer be the mother of toddlers. In no time at all, I will be the mother of men and a woman.
For whatever reason, this cloth diapering thing has been the symbol of this season of my life. As I fold them and decide where they should go, I think of all the work, all the washing and care that goes into parenting. The drudgery, the cuteness, the raw need a baby has for his mother.
Part of me feel ready for whatever is ahead, ready to let the babies grow up and not need me quite so much, or at least not in the same ways.
And part of me wants to always have a baby to love and to love me right back, in that simple, sweet way babies have.
P.S. Wanna buy some diaper fabric?