Two Years Ago Tonight: The Birth of Baby B

Two years ago, in my one hundred year old house with no air conditioning, I was waddling around nine months pregnant and thankful that the summer’s humid heatwave had broken a bit and we could use the whole-house fan to draw in the cooler air. It was still damp, but not hot.

I had just gotten my little guy Ethan down to sleep, nursing him and holding him and wondering how much longer he would be my only son, how much longer before this new person would enter our lives. While nursing him, I’d felt the twinges of Braxton-Hicks contractions that were the norm now, but I had gotten past hope that it was labor starting. I just assumed it was more practice.

I lay down next to my sleeping husband sometime after eleven, around the same time it is right now as I write this. I tried settling in on first one aching hip, then the other, and felt something not like a contraction, but more like an ache in my cervix. It was odd, different than what I’d experienced with my prior two labors.

Unable to get comfortable, I got up and walked around. I just wandered from room to room, restless, not sure if this was the beginning of something or just the groanings of a woman tired of carrying around extra people all the time. I took a bath and tried to be quiet.

My husband had to leave for work at 1:30 a.m. and I didn’t want to wake him unnecessarily, but after a while I realized this was probably labor starting. When he finally awoke, I told him I thought this was it, but to go ahead to work, since my last labor had been so long and slow.  Though I was torn about it, I watched him leave, thinking I would be calling him in a few hours.

I got back into the bath and decided I should call my midwife just to tell her things were happening. My contractions were difficult but not overwhelming, and they were growing rapidly closer together, but because of our last seventeen hour experience together, she told me I should see how things go for an hour and then call her back. This was around 1:45 a.m.

I called her back at 2:00, beginning to panic a little bit and feeling like things were happening so fast.  There was a moment in which I felt my fear rising at being alone with this difficult task, and I remember telling myself that I could do it by myself. That this would prove I was strong. I called my husband to turn around and come home.

I don’t even know who got there first, but I was so relieved to see my “team” I think I plunged right into transition. I don’t remember much of the beginning. My husband filled the birth tub, and I got in as soon as I could because I was using all my energy to cope with the powerful contractions.

Not long after Leslie (the midwife), Mary Frances (her assistant), and my husband got settled around me, I was in the tub and feeling very much like pushing. I remember saying, “I feel like pushing and it’s too soon! Why do I feel like pushing?”

Mary Frances asked if it would make me feel better if she checked me, and I said, “Yes!” with what I’m sure sounded like huge relief and hope.

When she said I was complete, I got really excited about how fast it had been. Really only an hour and a half or so, which for me was amazing! But the hard work was only beginning.

I have big babies. Not like, super huge or anything, but when you consider my size, they are big. Ethan weighed eight pounds, eight ounces, and I pushed for five hours with him. That’s nearly unheard of, and it’s likely that if I’d been in a hospital, I would have been bullied into a C-section.

So I was geared up for the pushing this time, but also afraid. Afraid of getting stuck, afraid of having to last for hours.  I was determined to be effective and strong.

And boy did I try, but this nine pound, six ounce baby took a lot of work to get into the world. Leslie had to ask me to change positions a few times to help bring him down, and finally, squatting and gripping the edge of the birth tub, I was able to do it. It took everything I had to give.  Every time a contraction came I looked desperately for Randal and held his hand. Mary Frances kept cool cloths on me, and I just worked. I worked hard. And finally, when Leslie told me to reach down and catch him, I couldn’t even let go of the edge to do it!

But then he was here, and I was holding him, and he was mine. And he was beautiful, and still is.

And Beckett, sweet pea, I wanted to write your story first because I fear I’ve given you too little of everything so far. I fear you’ll remember in some part of your heart that the worst year of my life was supposed to be the best and easiest of yours.

I want to tell you that when I held you tonight and watched you fall asleep, my heart ached with all the mistakes I’ve made. Tonight, I’m making you cupcakes and telling your story. Tomorrow, you will open presents and blow out candles.

And for the rest of our lives, I will love you the best I can, and hope that it’s enough.

DSC00961

Becket, a few minutes old.

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27 Responses to “Two Years Ago Tonight: The Birth of Baby B”

  1. BarelyKnit, that was a wonderful story, and I ached for you and how you have mommy guilt over your doing the best that you can. be gentle with yourself!!!! I love the picture you included :)

    Here is a link to one of my birth stories, with links to the others at the bottom.

    http://www.angelfire.com/emo2/felicity

    So glad to have heard yours from Beckett, and so glad to share mine with you. *HUG* Happy Birthing Day, mama!

  2. Beautiful story and picture. You look radiant.

  3. Ok, so you know you’re a fantastic writer when you post a story like that and force someone with no apparent maternal clock to a) reach for a kleenex, and b)re-think her decision to maintain a barren womb…

  4. ps. I’m sure I’ll sleep b) off…;)

    • Notice that I also have a “why you should maybe rethink the whole reproducing thing” category. Glad you came by and also, can I live vicariously through you?

      • Ha! Unless you want to wake up with a tube of Pringles stuck to your arm every morning and no recollection of how it got there, I’d strongly advise against living vicariously through me…;)

        ps. I was so verklempt(?) last night forgot to say Happy Birthday B!

  5. Thank you so much for this beautiful story!

    I was born at home and would like to do the same with my children someday, so this really touched me. There’s so much love in the way you tell it.

    Happy birthday to Beckett and may the best be yet to come — for both of you!

  6. delicate flower Says:

    Wonderful, touching story. And, he is absolutely a precious baby. Congratulations. Thank you for writing that and sharing .

  7. Happy bday baby b…you got a winner in the maternal pool.

  8. Heather Says:

    Happy Birthday sweet Beckett!!!! The way you came into this world makes me very jealous, and now I want to do it all over again. But I will just settle for helping other mamas with their babies. :)

  9. Oh boy – now you did it. You made me cry all over myself. Thank you for sharing – what a sweet story. I sure hope I get to hug you someday.

    XO

    Lydia

  10. woowoomama Says:

    thanks for sharing. i totally dig birth stories but i have to be careful not to read too many (especially of the homebirth variety) cause they make my uterus get all twitchy and thinking she wants to do more work. shhhhh womb, we are done.

    • You’re very nice to your womb. I tell mine to shut the f*** up, I’m busy.

      But seriously, writing it did make me all warm and fuzzy and baby-ish feeling. Then I remembered that I actually have to raise the babies, and it took away all the magic. ;)

  11. Lovely story! Thanks for sharing. :) Happy Birthday and Happy Birth Day to you both.

  12. That was wonderful. Thank you. Happy Birthday Becket, your mom rocks.

    I don’t have babies although I have tried to give birth on several occasions. No luck. My neighbours however do have babies and they… ;)

  13. Happy Birthday Baby Becket! I wanted to say baby B, but that sounded like a paternity suit or something. I’m retarded.

    You really are a trooper! “I think this is it, but just go ahead to work” ??? God damn. You are a bad ass. I won’t let my wife go to work if I have the flu. Who would make me soup?

    Really touching story, and very well written. Becket is so lucky to have such a caring and articulate mother! And bad ass! Did I say Bad ASS!!!

    • I must confess I love the reactions my husband got at work when they heard about it. I got mad props just for the unmedicated part, let alone the other stuff. His coworkers all said, “You made her have a nine and a half pound baby, at home, with no air conditioning??”

      They think I’m some kind of amazon. And a freak, of course, but a tough one. Yes, I love being a bad ass, thank you. ;)

  14. what a lovely story

  15. You have the ability to make me smile & cry at the same time with your stories. Ever baby born with a happy story is one more child to fight the doomsayers. I firmly believe that your own birth experience has a lot to do with your attitude to life & the birth of your own children. This was such a personal story to share, thank you so much.

    • Thank you, Gabfran. It’s amazing to me the power that words can have. And you’re right, it is very personal. I’ve always seen other birth stories out there, but didn’t realize just how hard it is to share it with people. I found myself editing out some things because I didn’t want those images of me in peoples’ minds.

  16. Happy Birthday Beckett! I remember coming to see you the morning after and you were the most comfortable and happy mom, I will never forget it! In your own bed in your own home with your family around, it was such a beautiful thing! Reading your story made me excited to see my little one that should be here in about 9 or 10 weeks :) Miss you guys! Hope all is well- please give Beckett a big belated birthday hug for us!

    • I remember that day, too. I guess it was only a few hours after he was born, right? He was born at 4 a.m. That was the best, not having to go anywhere or be constantly disturbed by strangers taking my temperature. It’s almost enough to make me want another one.

      Wait a minute, who am I kidding? ;)

  17. Beautifully written BK, as always. You look happy. It is your birthday as well you know. Happy day to both of you.

    Robert

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