This Bra Is Not My Home

How things work.

How things work.

A while back, I went to this legendary lady, Miss P, at J.C. Penney who measures and fits gals (my gals, in this case) for The Perfect Bra.

This mythical beast is one that doesn’t cause unsightly bulges, add inches to an already ridiculously large chest (why do they sell 40D’s with gel inserts???) or cause upward spillage.

It covers, it forgives, it loves you long time.  It costs a fortune, but you don’t care because it lifts and separates.

After Miss P is done telling you to strip and stand there all half-naked in the bad light and evil mirror of dressing room doom while she does something out there, you know not what, she returns with armloads of brassiers and proceeds to manipulate your flesh in ways I have never before experienced.  I wouldn’t necessarily call it good, either.

By this time, whatever you originally had in the self-esteem department is lying on the floor like so many bitten off hang tags.  There’s nowhere to go but up.

I did not previously realize there are instructions for putting on a bra.  Miss P applied the bra, for there is no other word quite as fitting, then pushed, pulled, stretched and jerked me into it.  This happened a multitude of times.  Did I mention Miss P is a spinster?  Interesting.

When she was finished all this manipulation, she made me demonstrate it. It’s her job to fit women, then make sure her little pets are in capable hands.  When she was assured that I had mastered this task, she loaded me up with said bra and I was on my way.

Now, I have to admit it was worth the humiliation.  They made me look different, better in my clothes, or something unidentifiable.

But I neglegted to tell her that the bra was going to be put through the rigors of a breastfeeding toddler.

The industrial strength monstrosities I ended up with are now tattered, threadbear, missing hooks.  They separate, but I’m not sure lift is still the appropriate word.  Perhaps suspend would be better.

I hoisted up the underwires so many times over the last few months that they are weak and poking out of their channels.  When little one says “milk”, the elastic tries to loosen itself.

Maybe if I wasn’t so cheap I could just buy a really, really good nursing bra.  But I’m so close to the end, I can’t bring myself to do it.

Besides, I have my sights set on something with a little more sex appeal, a little less functionality.  Maybe something a little less JM, a little more MM.

I wish.  Except for the whole overdose part.

I wish. Except for that whole overdose thing.

22 Responses to “This Bra Is Not My Home”

  1. Just as my affection for you was growing, you have to go all “breastfeeding” on us. Ewww…

    Please stop ruining your perfectly good boobs on children. Only Salma Hayek can pull that off.

    • This is as close as I can get to a boob post, unless I write about Fundamental and Alan, which might still happen. This is what I mean by needing a forum unfettered by things like propriety, and motherhood, and apple pie.

  2. I have also visited Miss P and she is amazing, weird but amazing with the sagging girls! I had Maggie with me and she wanted to know “what was that lady doing with your baby milks (what she called boobs until a little while ago).” But leaving I actually felt like gravity was not my enemy, I actually need to visit Miss P soon but why bother I will be pregnant or nursing for a good year and a half yet :) Next year this time maybe…

  3. Designing with larger SUV and truck hoods in mind, Style Car Bras span and cover more surface area than traditional full front end car bras. Gilbert Humiliation

  4. Can Miss P help women with small, sagging breasts, or are the well-endowed her main Cause?

  5. I thought I noticed something different about you! ;)

  6. What’s a bra? I mostly wear the well constructed and well supported tank tops and sports bras of lululemon fame. Easing for nursing and comfortable too.

  7. Notice all the men got scared off?

    Although I’m way past the breastfeeding stage, I want a Miss P. Aging needs support too!

    • Haha! I was just thinking the same thing about where the peanut gallery is today. I promised them a boob post, and they were likely disappointed. At least Tannerleah had the cajones to show up, even if he did dis me.

  8. You promised a boob post and you delivered…kinda. I don’t speak for all men, but I think many of us view titties with a proprietary perspective. Sharing them with an baby makes mechanical what was magical. I finally understand why lions sometimes kills cubs. (BTW, I know the real answer to the lion thing, so don’t correct me)

  9. Oh my Lord…

    Dear Young Hussy,

    My name is Millicent Bodsworth. I’m a schoolteacher and, I believe, a fairly open minded woman. But I must confess to being more than tad distressed upon my visit to your blogosphere, or whatever it is you breast happy kids are calling it these days.

    I’m a full figured woman and a staunch supporter of orthopedic girdles and bras. Oh sure, they may not be lacey, form fitting and comfortable, but they pack more reinforced armour than Sherman Tanks.

    In my day, when we bought underwear, we did it with shame. And we were proud of our shame. We nursed our shame to our breast like a reinforced longline conical bra.

    Those “industrial strength monstrosities” that you complain about were good enough for full figured gals like Lana Turner, so why can’t they be good enough for the rest of us?

    My third husband, Eggbert (may he rot in Hades), was always telling me to buy frilly bras and panties. He’s dead now. Cardiac arrest. That, and a knife in the back. But that wasn’t me. At least, they never proved it in court…

    I’m tired of reading about you teens and your underwires and nursing bras. Here’s some advice, dear. Put on a bra: If it’s horrendously uncomfortable that means it’s a damn fine bra. Now that you have it on – cover it up. Then never talk about in public again!!!!!!!

    Toodles,

    Millicent Bodsworth

  10. Dot Parker Says:

    Dear Ms. Bodsworth,

    BKT has had too much wine tonight to respond properly. Though I think highly of her, she is a bit of a hussy and prone to divulging what the youngsters call “TMI”. Please do look kindly on her indiscretions.

    She means well, she just doesn’t care what’s written about her so long as it isn’t true (since you seem to be in quite the mood to look things up lately).

    With great reservation,

    Dot “Might as well live” Parker

  11. Well, since she has the ghostly apparition of the founding member of the Algonquin Round Table speaking on her behalf, I’ll cut her some slack — this time. But let her know that Milly will be keeping an eye on her.

  12. Finally, an Algonquin Round Table reference. Dorothy rules.

    • In 8th grade we each had to memorize a poem to recite in front of the class and I chose Resume (it’s supposed to have an accent aigu on the end but I have no idea how to do that), reinforcing my classmates’ belief that there was something wrong with me. I’ve remembered it all these years, though that’s no great feat I suppose, considering my personality.

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