99 Bottles of Blog on the Wall

Interestingly, my biggest motivator and friend, Melissa, is also celebrating her 100th post TODAY!  I guess we both started taking our writing more seriously about the same time, only she was much more disciplined than I was for a while.  Then she started nursing school, and with four kids and a husband to take care of – let’s just say I caught up.  For now.

For my little celebration, I’m doind a round up of my favorite posts.  Mostly funny, I think, but I’ll let you be the judge.

Just keep it to yourself if you disagree, mmkay?

Dear God, Someone Please Stop Her

How to Leave a Party in Three Easy Steps

My Morning Routine

Not So Serious, After All

Top Ten Reasons to Only Go Places With Nice Bathrooms

Cleaning Tips for Real People

The Cow Call

Male Female Relations in a Nutshell

Cool Beans

P.S.  Thanks for all the love!

Death of a Really, Really Old Tree

Today is the day I lose a tree.

My house is 102 years old now, and apparently, the builder thought it would be fabulous to plant some kind of a gigantic spruce tree approximately 4″ from the foundation.

I would show you what roots do to a basement, but there’s a chance the assessor might read my blog, and then I might never be able to refinance.

There is also the issue of the tree being split into two huge trunks which are chained together with some sort of contraption.  The idea is that the weight will keep either side from falling.  But I walk around with this impending sense of doom on every windy day – is my tree going to leave Anne and Eric’s children orphans?  Will it smash Kelly and Jody’s vehicles?  I just can’t live like this.

So goodbye, shade.  Goodbye, tiny little adorable pine cones falling on the tin roof and blocking the hidden gutters.  Goodbye, squirrel-y easy access to my home.

And goodbye to the last hour of peace and quiet (if you don’t count the sound of little glass marbles being thrown around a room with hardwood floors) I will get today.

So I’m posting some photos here – a memorial of sorts.  And I’m open to suggestions about what to put there to replace it.  Preferably something a little, um,  less tall.

Why School Fundraisers Don’t Have to Suck

The other day I read a Facebook comment that said, “I want a school fundraiser that gives me something back, you know?  Something useful, like coupons.”

Normally, what I do with the fundraising sheets that have come home from our local schools is a) misplace them until the day before it’s due b) write a check for a few bucks and toss the whole mess into the recycling bin.  Unless the catalog has cool pictures in it; then I put it in the paper crafting bin and make cards to sell on Etsy.  Hey, do I look like I’m made of money?

Why can’t schools do something like this: send home a note saying, “For $10, we will only send home these things four times a year.  If you donate $20, that’s reduced to two times a year, and we won’t tell your kid that your last check bounced.  Cash only please.  Finally, for $100, not only will you not hear from us again this year, but we promise the big 64 count box of Crayola crayons will go to your daughter’s room only (and that brat who called your kid a dork will get the store brand box of sixteen).

It looks like someone beat me to the punch, however, with devising a way to raise money that might actually “give back” a little to the purchaser.  If you buy your sex toys through this program, a substantial percent of your purchase goes towards educating children in Malipampang (Philippines).  I have enough trouble with the weird search terms that land people on my blog, so I’m just going to refer you to Mominatrix, who wrote about it much more eloquently than I ever could.

So forget about $20 wrapping paper, the $15, artificially scented vanilla soy candles, and the magazine subscriptions at only twice the newsstand price!

After all, a happy giver is a repeat giver, right?

Fiber Friday Giveaway: The Dark Side Has Cookies. And T-Shirts.

Welcome to another Fiber Friday giveaway here in the nuthouse.   On Facebook recently, I came across  an old friend

an acquaintance

a guy I used to play baseball with when I was a tomboy kid but I really just did cartwheels in the outfield so I shouldn’t remind him but see, his dad was the coach and what six year old can hit a ball into the outfield?  so I was totally bored out there

someone I went to school with.  When you grow up where we did, you apparently either stay here forever and become one of them or you get a wicked case of ‘weird sense of humor.’  When you are lucky like me, you get to stay and you get the humor, and it all  just serves to alienate you from your community.  Thank goodness for the influx of people from Charlottesville and such or I wouldn’t have any friends.  Except Melissa, of course, but our town is big enough for more than one eccentric.

Anyhows, I should first warn you that this guy’s sense of humor is just a wee bit naughty, or possibly very naughty, so if you have delicate sensibilities, you should just go read someone else’s blog today.  Seriously.  I don’t need you hatin’ on the Barely Knit.

Here is what Ken has to say about his shirts:

NakedGringo is a new and exciting brand of tropically-inspired t-shirts. Established just one mile from the blue-green waters of the Atlantic ocean in Fort Lauderdale, Gringo draws his inspiration from the characters he sees at the beach, the conversations he overhears at local brew houses and coffee shops, and of course from his own twisted imagination.
Every design featured on NakedGringo.com is a limited edition, wearable conversation piece.  Only 100 shirts are printed of each design. Divide that by the various sizes and chances are likely that no one is going to have the same shirt as you.
Gringo also produces original designs and prints for local restaurants, bars, events, sports teams,and charities. These designs are not offered for sale via the website, but you can always spot the fashionably uninhibited when you see the trademarked “original PalmPrint by Gringo” logo.
I hope you have as much fun wearing your NakedGringo t-shirt as you do when you take it off!

I couldn’t have said it better myself.  Ahem.

Ken let me know that he has a cool new design for women coming out, as well as a breast cancer awareness shirt in the works.  He has sizes small, medium, large and extra large, and if you win, I’m sure he can work with you on what you want.  Or maybe, just maybe – you can wait long enough to see your own design on your shirt.

He let me know he is always on the lookout for new design ideas, so this is the giveaway dealy-o:  leave a comment with an idea for a t-shirt.  It can be anything, no holds barred (obviously, he’s not squeamish).  If he likes your idea, I will hook you guys up (in the old fashioned way, trust me) and maybe he can add your design to his collection.

His site is new still and he only has a few designs up, but you can see more at Naked Mafia.  Do you sense a theme here, folks?  It is mighty hot down there, you know.

Don’t worry if you can’t think of any design ideas.  Just leave a comment and I’ll add you to the drawing.  The winner of a t-shirt (your choice of style and size) will be chosen at random.  The contest ends at 8 PM EST on Tuesday, March 31, and I will post the winner the following day.

Therapy Thursday: The Best Humor Links on the Web

UDATE the last:  I hereby declare Chris of Coach Mom fame the winner!  Tim Hawkins is a new one for me, and I have to say “I Work at Subway” is genius if for nothing besides his perfectly executed boy-band moves.  And the fact that my daughter loved that song years ago so I was forced to hear it over and over again made this extra delicious.  So hop on over to one of the Etsy shops, Chris, and spend your $10, which in these lean times is more like $1000, right?  Thanks for playing – hope you all got a chuckle.

UPDATE:  WordPress is smarter than I am.  Apparently, in the “suggested reading” type thingy, they added this link, and my friend Jamie insisted that I add it.  She is totally right.  Motherhood Uncensored is the bomb, and even in the rain, on the can, or in the dark of night can make me bust a gut.  So – my bad.  Add her to the list.

I’m giving myself permission, today.  Permission to wash my dishes, to make weird videos for a weight loss program, and maybe, if my co-workers are lucky – take a shower.

So on this gray day, I wish to ask you to participate in my personal therapy day, and tell me how you cure depression.  With laughter.

I’m going to give you my top three funny websites.  I almost inevitably bust out laughing when reading these, but for very different reasons.

The first one is just some random stuff this guy “Ram” writes about.  He has built his blog around the idea of a convenience store, and he pretends to be (is??) an English as a second language, foreign convenience store clerk, and all that entails.  It takes some kind of talent to convey a foreign accent in writing, but without bizarre spelling or strange forms he manages to do just that.  Visit him at The Food Here Convenience Store.  Now – go!

Next up is Cake Wrecks, which is so popular I’m sure you all know about it.  I sometimes don’t visit for several days, so I can save up the laugh.  It’s kinda like Bogarting a joint.  I mean, I think it must be like that, I don’t actually know.

Finally, there is Jo at The Modernity Ward.  Funny?  Oh my goodness.  I can’t seem to shake the image of her in denim overalls and Mary Janes striking a pigeon-toed cutesy punk stance in her fab glasses.  She talks about being a mom, being a holdover from the ’80′s and ’90′s, she talks about PCOS, about converting to Judaism…in short, she just talks about damn near whatever is on her mind at the moment.  She is very high on my I-so-want-to-meet-her-ometer.

So here’s the scoop, if you made it this far.  Post a link in the comments to the funniest shiznizzle you’ve ever seen on teh internets.  If you make me laugh the hardest, so hard I don’t feel the need to take my anti-anxiety meds today, you win a $10 credit in either of my Etsy shops: Indecorum or Wonderfully Made Stuff.  I also do some custom work, so if you have an idea for something, let me know and I’ll see what I can do.

Tomorrow, yet another Fiber Friday giveaway that comes with a warning: Naked Gringo is not for the prudish.  Enter at your own risk!

Here’s lookin’ at you, kid.

Wordless Wednesday: Morning Snuggles

Morning Tuggles

In the morning, the boys and I usually have snuggles, which sounds like “tuggles” when Ethan says it.  I was already up on this particular morning, so they had to settle for each other.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Here, mommy, these are for you!

This child, the one in the picture holding the weeds flowers that are the totality of my lawn, just asked me why there are lines on the Italian pottery bowl he is eating his pizza from.  They are meant to make the bowl look rustic, I suppose, or something like that.

I told him that the person who made the bowl put them there on purpose.

He said, “Is that what God told him to do?”

I am so grateful.  Between the flowers and the adorably simplistic view of a coma-inducing complexity, I remembered why I had children.

For my personal amusement, of course.

Reduce, Reuse, Reincarnate

I recycle!  Yes, I do.  In fact, you might say I have a bit of a problem.

I’ve have been asked, and answered with complete seriousness, the question, “Are you keeping this dryer lint for a project?”

I won’t tell you how I answered.

It all started with using wool as a cloth diaper cover.  It worked so well for my heavy wetter, I could hardly believe it.  It became my cover of choice, and with a little research I learned how to take discarded wool sweaters and turn them into rockin’ baby pants with almost no skill involved at all.

Gradually, I realized that I could make more than just pants – I could have matching sweaters!  Hats!  Wool appliques!

It’s easy to see now, in hindsight, how a person with my proclivities might get carried away.  A Goodwill sweater here, a silk shirt from a pile of junk on the side of the road there – you see where I’m going, right?

Before long, I had a stash of historic proportions.  The thing is, the more I bought, the more I realized I could do with them.  I started using the scraps to stuff toys (and knitted breasts, but that’s another post), I use the larger pieces to make little embellishments for hats.  I started buying clothes made from gorgeous fabric and making something I would actually wear.

It’s not that I don’t buy anything new.  My kids have regular clothes, in among the pants that I mended with fabric I rescued from the thrift store and the recycled sweater pants.

But I dress them in cashmere.  I have awesome diaper bags that I made from castoff place mats.  I have a baby bib I made from a Sublime tee shirt.  I have the coolest kids on the block, in my book.

When I walk into a clothing store and see row after row of all that fabric, I wonder where it will end up, and why we think we need so much.  It makes me nauseated, dizzy, the overwhelming choice of it all, when just down the road, if you can spend just a few minutes digging, are bargains waiting for new incarnations.

Even if you can’t sew, there are amazing things to be found in a thrift store.  And I’m not saying you have to buy your under drawers at the Salvation Army, honey. You can buy tee shirts from the dollar bin, cut them up and use them as cleaning cloths.  Make a reusable shopping bag from an old Sex Pistols shirt.  Fly your freak flag with pride.  Or buy that designer skirt you’d never be able to afford in real life and don’t ever tell a soul where you got it.

Buying thrifty is just one way to make a dent in the crazy amount of waste that happens in this country.  It cuts processing, which involves chemicals, as well as transportation and other environmentally damaging parts of the clothing industry.  And when you only spend  a few dollars on an item, you can afford to buy more!  It’s a win-win situation.

Another great way to reduce your impact on our earth is to use environmentally friendly cleaning products.  SC Johnson has developed a new line of cleaners that are designed to actually, you know, work while still retaining their eco-friendly personalities.  They are called Nature’s Source and I can’t wait to try them.  They, along with The Parent Bloggers Network weekly Blog Blast are the reason for this post.  So, uh – check them out.  Right after you send me your wool.

We Are Not Alone (in our messy houses, even if you don’t count the squirrels and the action figures)

Yesterday I got to laugh a bit while taking a break from writing about depression when I came across Her Bad Mother’s post about house cleaning.

I’ve been pretty clear about my skills in that area, but I haven’t been what you might call…transparent.  She posted pictures!

So in a show of solidarity (and maybe just a bit of competitiveness for the “don’t use her bathroom award”) – I’m posting some of my own before pictures, because I plan to fix it.  Soon.  Like maybe tomorrow.  Or the next day.  Or surely by next month.

In fact, I think I will do a video series.  Maybe the pressure of knowing you will be watching me will help me stay on task and finally organize this house.  Or maybe I will end up needing a second zip-lock baggie to hold all the meds.  We’ll see.

Drum roll please…

My back is to this mess while I write. It's the only way I survive.

The little circle on the table is Beckett’s musical toothbrush.  He likes the variety of leaving it odd places and having me look for it every day.  The string is the remnant of an invention.  No, not the invention, but something similar.  The great big circle is the to-do pile of sewing and paper crafting and other stuff that I want to do but I’m too damned busy taking pictures.

Preschool teacher's nightmare.

Here we have a baggie of felt I need to ship for an Etsy customer, and just below that – my kids’ favorite toy.  Tampons.  They were my daughter’s, because for some reason she won’t use cloth pads, but now they are just another weapon in the arsenal of “what can we play next, mommy?”.   The little, tiny circle at the bottom?  That’s my cappucino machine.  You put your appliances where you want, and I’ll do the same, mmkay?

My sacred space.

This is the cluttered corner of hell peaceful oasis in which I sit when I type all this tripe, since my laptop is unbearably slow now.  Chained to a desktop – can you believe it?  The view on my screen is one of Her Bad Mother’s photos.  And you know, looking at her house I got jealous.  I thought, my house could be that tidy!  Really!  If I just had some help.  And some cute, modern throw rugs.  But what really gets me about her house is the book tossing.  Here, the best my kids can throw is a Richard Brautigan, or a Chuck Palahniuk.  Her kids get Bukowski and Derrida, for crying out loud!  I need to work with them more.

Anyway, the rectangular plastic container holds beans from the great bean extravaganza of 2009.  I should throw them away, but why?  Maybe we’ll use them again.  Next to it is my bag of mother’s little helpers.  All legitimately prescribed to me – and totally ineffectual.  Then some random shit is circled,  and I quit, because there’s just too much to look at here.  Where do I start?  The wine glass from three nights ago?  The paper towels with coffee grounds in the tube?  It’s just too overwhelming.

I think I’ll go tackle a project now.  I feel motivated.  Or maybe it’s tired.  Something like that, anyway.

And in case I need to say it – no, you cannot use my bathroom.

Postpartum Depression: My Story

I finished my story, and posted it over on Blogher.

I’m not thrilled with it, just like everything else I do.  There’s more to tell, more to sort through, more to figure out.  I want to be able to tell you I am all better, but I’m not there yet.

PPD can disguise itself as normal parenting fears, irresponsibility, anger.  It can cause a grown up to behave childishly or irrationally.  And moms, of all people, are most likely to want to hide it, and to be capable of doing so.  We keep going, because really – we have to.

I can only tell you, if you are reading my story because you have one of your own – get help.  Tell someone you are not sure what’s going on, but you might be about to self-destruct.  Force yourself to ask for what you need, or arrange someone else to make sure you are getting it.  Friends won’t mind lending a hand.

They’d much rather wash your dishes than go to your funeral.