A Miracle Product

The scene:  Walmart, last night.  The detergent department (yes, it’s a whole department).

From across the crowded aisle, I hear a voice, “Mommy, here.  Here!”

Ethan comes hobbling up to me, lugging an impossibly heavy bottle.

Whether it was the angelic, smiling girl on the bottle, or some other, more subtle message that made him decide what the product was, I’ll never really know.  But he shouted to me:

“Look, Mommy!  This is for you.  It makes your children GOOD!”

It might not make your children good, but it sure was good for a laugh.

“In that case, buddy, I’ll take three.”

Fiber Friday Giveaway: Bunny In Disguise Mixed Media Necklace

Fresh from Bunny in Disguise over at Etsy comes this versatile mixed media necklace.  Bunny has been crafting cool pieces for a while to let off steam from her real job as a promotions manager for a local television affiliate, but this is one of her totally new, original ideas and I ADORE them.  She started clicking around Etsy and wanted to try to create something really unique, and I think she found the perfect plan.

Her mixed media pieces blend delicate but sturdy chains with ribbon and yarn for textural detail, then some kind of really fun, funky focal point.  God I just love alliteration, don’t y’all?  This one features a vintage flower earring in a bright spring yellow- green.  The beads are white and golden freshwater pearls with a few metallic glass beads for extra sparkle.  The 30 1/2 inch necklace is secured with an antiqued brass toggle clasp.

I have seen her sport some of her creations around town and I love every one of them.  You can wear these as long necklaces, doubled up as chokers, or even twined around a wrist.  Even more fun are some of the names of her Etsy items.  How could I not love a woman who makes something called the “Original Sin Necklace”??  And her blog has some great writing.  She is just getting it started and I would definitely put it on the list to watch for up-and-coming blogosphere talent.

And if a tongue in cheek reference to original sin doesn’t win you over, how about this:  her Twitter name is HolyXuxa!  Like, Holy Xuxa, Batman!  Except, Xuxa is this whack Brazilian Grammy Award Winner, television actress, singer and children’s television show host.  Apparently she was a centerfold model in Playboy, which over here might raise a few eyebrows if one were working in children’s television, but kids need hot icons too, you know, and Xuxa looks better on knee socks than that Montana kid.

Here is a photo of the necklace gracing the neck of Bunny’s busty friend who is, you guessed it – a bust.  I think we should name her.  In fact, I hereby announce the comment theme for entering this giveaway:

Name Bunny’s Bust.  Leave a comment below with your best, humorous name for a torso with no head or arms.  The comments will be locked at 8 p.m. EST Sunday March 1, and I will choose a random winner from both entries and announce it by Monday March 2 at noon.  Please only enter once, and only if you have a U.S. shipping address.  If you amuse me mightily, I might be extra kind and mention you personally, so you will get the thrill of being famous for 15 seconds.  Call me Andy Warhol Lite.  And get over to Bunny’s Etsy shop to see the other goodies she has for sale.  Happy commenting!

The Perfect Easter Basket Gift

In case you were wondering what I want for Easter this year, or Mother’s Day, or for my best friend’s birthday which is next week, here it is:  the best Barbie ever.

Alfred Hitchcock anyone?

I mean, birds are a sign of spring, right?

Block Head

I’m blocked.  Completely.  I cannot finds the words to complete a sentence.  Okay, well – maybe that’s an exaggeration.

I want to say the problem is Beckett the terrible the toddler who will not tolerate me being out of his presence and who is right now screaming because I had the audacity to leave the room he is in.

Or maybe it’s the fact that I took away TV watching from Ethan because he pitched a remote at the screen and shattered it (I must say, Amy Sedaris kicked butt on The Closer despite the fact that I could not see the right half of the picture).

But maybe the problem is just me.

My proposed topic for yesterday was “why we need barriers to personal communication” or something like that.  It was suggested to me by someone who sees that I prefer to have those barriers.  And I notice that most people do like the artifice of online communication and social networking.  They allow themselves to be both more open, and yet more deceitful.  If the receiver can’t hear the nuances of speech, there is a whole world of meaning lost.   And since we don’t have to face most people in a real way after we blog about our poor mental health, we don’t always have to address our issues, either.

I have tried to explain this to my daughter, who wonders why she and her boyfriend keep having difficulties communicating – via TEXT MESSAGING!

“Where is she going with this?” you might ask.  A fine question.

Once I can get my point across with no confusion, I’ll be sure to fill you in.

Hormotional* and Green: Feminine Hygiene Products go Eco-Friendly

WARNING:  The following post is for women.  Actually, it’s only for some women.  If you have get dry heaves at the thought of using anything but a scented plastic applicator near your hoo-hoo, this post is probably not for you.

In case you’ve been sleeping under a rock without wi-fi for the last few years, you should know there is a movement afoot to go green with our lady gear.  Now, not only can our babies have soft tushie padding, we can too.  Most of the information out there seems to be coming from the same group of women who, like me, are totally obsessed with cloth diapers, natural parenting, recycling…all that crunchy stuff.  And there is some wacky wear for the derriere out there.

Um.  Yeah.

Greenyour is a site dedicated to lessening your carbon and/or maxi-pad footprint.  At least, this part of it is.  Included on this page are some truly awesome shops that have been making these for years.  They have great reputations and excellent products.

I should also mention the New Moon Cloth menstrual pads.  This company has been around for almost twenty years, and their site is filled with great information and a simple, easy to use product that looks good, too!  Not that you’ll go around showing it off, but every month you’ll get a little serotonin boost knowing you’re wearing something cute down there.  And who doesn’t want cloissone elephants in their undies?

Etsy, of course, is chock full of choices as always.  My personal favorite?  Say it with me gals – SOCK MONKEYS!  Yes, that’s right.  The perineal favorite (ha!  get it?) stuffed toy right there in your crotch.  But if that doesn’t shock your monkey, there are over 1200 results for a tag and title search on Etsy.  So add an extra tag like your favorite color, or “sugar skulls” (like it’s not scary enough, right?) and happy hunting.

“So,” you say, “what if I don’t like pads?  What kinds of alternatives are out there for me?”

Ladies, have I got some good news for you.  If your pelvic floor is still sturdy enough to use a tampon, there are several options available.

The first are a variety of cups like the Diva Cup and The Keeper that you simply insert (similarly to a diaphragm) and rinse out.  Then reinsert.  Easy peasy!  They are made from natural gum rubber or silicone and are phthalate and Bisphenol A (BPA) free.

But surely you know I’ve saved the best for last.  Or at least, the most humorous.

I’m not called Barely Knit Together for nothing.  Check this out:  Knitted tampons!  (cue choir of angels singing)  Aren’t they cute?  I haven’t tried these yet, but you bet I’m going to.  The pattern is super cheap at $0.50; it’s at least worth it just to laugh with your friends about your latest knitting project.

And if you just can’t do without your disposable feminine hygiene products, at least have the decency to hide them with these.  Someone please buy those squid, pronto, or I will have to do it myself.

As always, here are some links for you DIYers out there.  Free patterns to sew your own!

Cloth Menstrual Pads (free pattern)

Multi-layered with removable liner (dries faster!)

A fabulous site with tutorials, info on fabrics, sewing on-the-cheap, and different styles

These can all be laundered just like you would cloth diapers or towels or other such items.  Cold first, though, so as not to set the blood, then hot if you want them sterilized.  Of course, if you aren’t planning to eat off of them, you might want to save your hot water**.  Your call.

And just so you know, even though I’ve handled this topic glibly, I do mean what I say about this being a great idea.  I, for one, am glad to never again have to hear the crinkle sound of plastic and paper when I walk.  And as a bonus (can I say it again?) -  Sock monkeys!

Stop in for next week’s Fiber Friday giveaway, featuring a free jewelry item from the Bunny in Disguise Etsy shop!

*Ooh!  I got to use a new word

**Kidding!  Sheesh.

And which action finger would YOU be?

I love super heroes.  There is something about the clarity of the issues in their worlds.  Batman’s never-ending, depression-inducing fight against evil.  Spiderman torn between love and the “great responsibility” that comes with great power.  The ostracism of the X-Men.  Watching them or reading their stories makes me feel a little thrill inside.  Maybe even the difficult area between right and wrong, good and evil, is not so unnavigable after all.  And boy, it sure would be nice to have some amazing power to harbor as my secret, my ace in the hole against fearing that I am not a useful human being.  Sacrificing my own happiness for the greater good?  Check.  Preventing crime?  Check.  Saving lives?  Check.

But when confronted recently by this list of super powers on a Facebook quiz, I was left thinking maybe it’s all a bad idea.

These were the choices: flying, mind-reading, x-ray vision, invisibility, shapeshifting, invulnerability, super speed, telekenesis, time travel, and super strength.  Let’s take a look at these, shall we?

Flying:  Okay, that doesn’t sound so bad, right?  Sounds kind of helpful, actually.  Except for the whole homeland security thing, and the possibility of being mistaken for an RPG or something.

Mind-reading:  Seriously?  I wouldn’t want people to know what I’m thinking about them.  I doubt I want to know what they actually think of me.  At least this way, I can hold onto the hope that someone likes me.

X-ray vision:  Can you say, “Cancer”??

Invisibility:  This one has intriguing possibilities.  But again, the compelling desire to find out what people are actually saying about me when I’m not around might outweigh my good reason.  Ha!  Kidding.  I don’t have good reason.

Shapeshifting:  Is this like the Wonder Twins?  Form of an ice cube, shape of a marmoset?  Would I be limited?  I could totally see being a rock.  Or maybe a cownosed ray, my favorite animal.  But I’m not sure how that would help me save the world.  I can only see it contributing to my avoidance of it.

Invulnerability:  Good grief, no.  Someday, I’m going to die.  I am glad.

Super speed:  Then I would feel even more guilty for not getting done the things I need to do every day.  I couldn’t use my lame excuse of “not enough time” if I could zip around doing my thing.  Forget it.

Telekinesis:  Okay, for some things, this would be great.  House cleaning without lifting a finger!  But many moms already fall back on the whole it’s-easier-to-do-it-myself-than-to-get-a-kid-to-do-it philosophy.  This would definitely not help.  Children everywhere would suddenly find themselves with no chores.  Anarchy would surely follow.  Hmmm.  Wait a minute…maybe that’s not such a bad thing after all.  Oh, I mean – I am a LAW ABIDING, well-behaved CITIZEN who does not believe anarchy is an appropriate response to the deterioration of society!  No, siree!  Absolutely not.  Moving on…

Time travel:  This brings up the whole problem with science fiction stories that include time travel.  If you go back in time, you necessarily change that time, so the future would be different and you would not have gone back under the same circumstances, which means you would not have changed the past in the same way, etc.  It’s too much for us to wrap our poorly developed brains around.  Besides, which thing would I change?  I’m sure the idea is not to just go back and witness the past, but to alter it in some way.  Where would I even begin?  How do I know I wouldn’t be making my present and future even worse?

Super strength:  Isn’t it enough that moms don’t get to be all that vulnerable?  That we are sort of the go-to gal for day to day life?  Would we ever be able to ask for help opening a jar or carrying luggage again?  I think not.  Keep your super strength.

So where does that leave us?  Well, my son loves playing with his “action fingers.”  I’m thinking maybe that will just have to do for now.  Until, of course, I’m bitten by a radioactive spider.  Then we’ll just have to see.

The Real Mom Quiz

Disclosure:  I occasionally, in a fit of mindlessness, click on those ridiculous quizzes from Facebook.  Go ahead, mock me.  You’ve all done it too and I know it.

Yesterday, there was one purporting to tell me what kind of mommy I am.  From five questions.

I don’t think anyone should be pigeonholed into some arbitrary category of parenting by a mere five questions, so I’ve decided to develop a much more scientific quiz for my amusement your edification.  Complete the following statements with the choice that most fits you.

1.  The only reason I would allow my 18 month old to continue to squish his hands around in the puddle of glue he spilled on the train table is:

A.  I am busy paying bills

B.  I didn’t  see him doing it

C.  I would never, EVER leave a bottle of glue out where a child could get to it.

D.  I am blogging and just need five more minutes.

2.  My child likes to fish his waffles out of the toaster on the floor with the hook from my tea strainer ball.  I:

A.  Tell him it’s dangerous and not to do it anymore.

B.  Wonder why he’s so quiet in there…

C.  Your toaster is on the FLOOR??

D.  Unplug the toaster and tell him he can only do it when mommy’s right there.

3.  My four year old starts saying “Damn” on a frighteningly regular basis.  I:

A.  Explain to him that some words are not nice and we shouldn’t use them.

B.  Convince myself he’s saying “Dan” and that it’s all just a cute misunderstanding.

C.  Refuse to leave the house for fear of being mortified by this foul-mouthed child.

D.  Try really hard not to laugh, then tell everyone that all words are just tools and if we don’t pay attention to it he’ll get over the novelty of it.

4.  My little ones decide it is TONS of fun to slide down my back from my bed to theirs and crash into the pillows and blankets.  I:

A.  Hmmm…I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying.

B.  Uh, I’m on Facebook, not horsing around on the bed.

C.  OMG!  Your children sleep in the same room as you?!

D.  Laugh hysterically and think that this bed arrangement is the coolest thing ever.

5.  I am trying to write a quiz for my blog, and my kid keeps saying, “Mommy come in here and play the tickle game with me!”  I:

A.  Say, “I am working, sweetie, and I need just a few more minutes.  Then I will come in and play.”

B.  Shout, “For the last time, I’ll come in there when I’m ready!”

C.  I don’t have time for that sort of thing.  There are cupcakes to make for the PTA bake sale and then the Junior League meeting is tonight!

D.  Say, “Here is the $200 wireless keyboard.  Come in here and you can sit on the floor and write just like mommy!”  And decide that maybe five questions is enough, after all.

Scoring:  If you answered A, B, or D for any of the questions, or any combination of them, or if your answers would change around among those choices depending on the day (or time of month), congratulations – you are a real mom.

If you answered C for any question:  you are definitely reading the wrong blog.

Mommy Brain Monday

I did some catching up on my blog reading over the weekend.  I mean in between the five loads of laundry, the grocery shopping, the dishes, the sweeping and driving, and all those other things Valentine’s day is for.  Or is that Mother’s Day?

Anyhoo, I found this unfortunate posting from Mom-101 that made me weep with compassion and understanding.  For a nanosecond.  Then I laughed.  Hard.  I feel for her.  Not only is she doing these insane things, she’s telling us about them.  Because now we will know we are not alone.

So in that spirit, here is my worst, most embarrassing mommy-brain story ever.  Top it.  I triple dog dare you.

I was pregnant with my third child, and was home one day puttering and multitasking as always with my two-year-old.  I had a few things going on, I guess you could say, and was going back and forth between my kitchen upstairs (don’t ask) and the living room downstairs.

At one point, I began another trek up the stairs, and I smelled smoke.  It had an odd odor, vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t quite place it.  Maybe electrical?  When I rounded the corner into the kitchen, the smoke was so thick I couldn’t see.  I panicked, of course, thinking it was some toxic thing burning and my baby would be born with cancer if I didn’t get out of there RIGHTNOWQUICK.  So I grabbed cell phone and child, not necessarily in that order, but possibly, and ran outside to call 911.

I stood outside with my neighbor and her kids while the firemen slogged in and out of my house.  Finally, one of them comes over to me and says, “Well, it looks like you left something burning on the stove.”

Then he mumbled something like, “Happens all the time,” and sort of sheepishly looked at the ground.  Hmmmm.

Then I remembered.  The wax.  As in, the remove-gross-hair-that-should-not-be-there-from-one’s-face wax.  When my DIY microwave stuff gets really low, it won’t  melt in the micro anymore, so I put it in a little pot of water on the stove.  And evidently, forget about it.

Since it had obviously burned all the water off to the extent that the container caught fire, I figured my secret was safe, right?

After they finished figuring out how to plug a grounded fan plug into a 100 year old electrical system that only has three outlets located inconveniently where one would never need them (the answer is: you don’t), they packed up and left, with my front door propped open wide.

As I trudged upstairs to check the damage, I looked at my home through the firemen’s eyes, and prayed they wouldn’t call social services.  I’m not the world’s best housekeeper.  As I neared the stove, I peered into the little pot, still sitting warmly on the burner.  There, crusted and plasticized forever into the bottom was the evidence of my shame.

The label, with the words plainly visible  for the story-telling benefit of all the future Lynchburg firefighters:

BRAZILLIAN BIKINI WAX.

Next time, I’ll just let the sucker burn.

All Your Sea Creatures Are Belong To Us

Sorry this Fiber Friday freak show is so late in the day.  I was up making cupcakes at seven this morning (real ones, not knitted), then I had to drive all over the damn place getting everyone where they needed to be and running to the store because we forgot something and running back home because we forgot the toy I promised to bring to Granny and Grandaddy’s for Ethan’s visit and…you get the picture.

I keep mulling over the whole geek/freak/knitting thing and wondering why so many of us are nuts about science and even darker, mysteriouser things.  I mean, would it have ever occurred to our grandmothers to knit a zombie-themed scarf?  Or an intricate coral reef (okay, crocheted, but still)?  We do seem to have a particular affection for things from the depths.  The depths of the oceans and maybe our souls.

I can’t help but wonder if we are knitting some of these oddities in reflection of our times, or if it’s simply that there are fewer needs to be met – like warmth, clothing, dishcloths – and so crafters are free to be whimsical.  And are we like the wave-particle dilemma?  Do we change our needle habits and products because, thanks to the Internet, they can be seen?

It will be interesting to see how difficult financial times affect the crafting community.  Will we go back to darning socks?  Will we be sought after because we can knit beautiful things that no one can afford to buy ready-made?  Or will we keep meeting in coffee shops, building community in an increasingly isolationist society and making funky stuff to sell on Etsy?

Just in case it’s that last thing, here are some really cool, FREE patterns for geeky stuff, and one Etsy shop that has the best ocean critters evah.

Mochimochi Blog – adorable, useless little things (except maybe the toilet paper, that might be useful)

Mammogram conversation starter

On and on and on – A Moebius capelet (it vexes me that WordPress thinks Moebius is a misspelling).

And more one-sidedness – a Klein Bottle hat.  I actually like this one better, but her patterns are written for left-handed knitters, so be aware.

For your viewing pleasure – and to remind me that I do not have enough leisure time – these fractal representations.

And finally, some cephalopods, from Hansigurumi’s Etsy shop, to occupy that coral reef that we’ll never have time to do.  Her patterns are *so* worth buying, and her creations are really beautiful.

Happy geeking.  If impact can be a verb [shudders with revulsion], then dammit, so can geek.

Ready, Set…Go Play

Where did it go?  The discipline, the commitment?

I’m sure forcing myself to write is no more amusing for you than it is for me, but be grateful that you don’t have a small person dumping powdered milk on the floor in retribution for the lack of attention for ten minutes.  And clinging to your leg with the starving child in Africa eyes (Disclaimer: he already ate.  A lot.  Do social service organizations read blogs?  Maybe they should.)

Or maybe you do have that – the child that needs you RIGHTTHISVERYSECONDORHEWILLSURELYDIE.

So for Therapy Thursday, which I never really meant to be a repeat item – go play.

Forget about the grocery shopping, the environment, the dishes in the dishwasher (or, if you are super lucky like me, the sink – because you don’t have a dishwasher).  Forget you need a shower and your hair is a mess.  Trust me, your kids do not care.  In fact, you can use the hair thing for a good guffaw.  Or maybe that’s just me.

Make a crazy invention.  Use up all the tape.  Write on the walls.  Seriously.  Yeah, did I not tell you I have problems?

All those messes will still be there tomorrow.

In my case, probably even longer.