The Life I’ve Created

In the middle of the night, when two of my three children cry for me and cling to me, full of need and unable to sleep, I sometimes say, “Shut up!”  I have yelled at them to go to sleep. I have left them crying so I can go to another room and kick things and scream in frustration and exhaustion. I am just so tired.

I have to wonder if I did something to them to create these sleep issues. Do I feed them well? Do they get enough play time and attention during the day? Are there needs I don’t understand that they can’t vocalize?  Sometimes I think maybe my milk supply is gone, that the baby is hungry, so I panic and feed him snacks at two a.m. The four year old wakes at least once to go to the bathroom no matter how vigilant I am about limiting water near bedtime. I’m sure other people have the same problems. Do they realize the havoc that sleep deprivation can cause?

The guilt from my outbursts follows me and causes me shame and grief.  And I don’t have answers.  I commented once on another blog that, “My feeling is it is almost always best to err on the side of mercy and love. There are many parenting ‘mistakes’ that can be ameliorated by lots and lots of love, and the feelings of security it can bring.”

I do believe that.  I also believe that I sometimes need some mercy and love myself.

About these ads

9 Responses to “The Life I’ve Created”

  1. Especially FROM yourself.

  2. J. Quazar Says:

    You got that right Melissa.

  3. Great post and thanks for the link to my blog!

    When my kids lapse into worse than usual sleep situations, I do often go through a little checklist in my head of things that could be causing it. Is it too cold or too hot? Are they getting enough fresh air and exercise? Am I creating a relaxing pre-bed atmosphere (no TV, lights dimmed, calming activities)? Is it time for new teeth (if so, maybe some homeopathic teething remedy before bed)?

    There are things that I can resolve (e.g. more exercise, too hot/too cold issue) and there are things I cannot (restless because she is working on a milestone, coughing at night because he is sick). If it is something I can fix, I try to. If it is something I can’t fix, I just try to love them through it and, as you said, err on the side of mercy and love.

  4. I LOVE your blog – I’m just so happy to have found it. With a special needs 4 year old and the baby in my bed, I sometimes think I’m lucky to get any sleep at all! I just keep telling myself it is a season…it won’t be forever like this. (right??)

  5. I have to agree with you. Kinda like , ‘physician heal thyself’, perhaps, mommy love thyself?
    My own experience: http://holisticmum.blogspot.com/2008/12/and-now-i-hold-her.html

    Enjoying your blog, just found you from ph in parenting.

  6. [...] said once on a comment on this blog and repeated in her post The Life I’ve Created: My feeling is it is almost always best to err on the side of mercy and love. There are many [...]

  7. AMEN and then some. You have to get some sleep, my lady, you inspire too many people to go without a little pampering. So much love to you. Wanted you to know about this conference I am totally keyed up about. I am so new to blogging but when I think about the articulate amazing women I would want up there representing me, I thought of you. Check it out…supposedly “society’s issues + women’s voices”!!! http://www.fem2pt0.com/

  8. [...] feels this way too said in her post The Life I’ve Created: My feeling is it is almost always best to err on the side of mercy and love. There are many [...]

  9. [...] said once on a comment on this blog and repeated in her post The Life I’ve Created: My feeling is it is almost always best to err on the side of mercy and love. There are many [...]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

%d bloggers like this: